Someone once told me I should write a piece on dating. Ironically, I went out on a date with him. Unfortunately, I don’t think he thought that one through. Sorry man, you’re about to have your story told.
Dating is the literal worst thing ever. Like, I do not understand why people do this shit for fun! I mean, guy spends tons of money on girl. Girl has to make sure her friends know where she is at all times of the night. Plus, it’s like being at a damn interview about your personal life. Like, I don’t know what I do for fun. Sit around and do nothing, that is all I do. Oh, you go hiking? Cool. I can’t because I smoke too many cigarettes and will die.
I don’t have a way to meet people in person, I don’t currently have a job that has me out of the house and when I hang out with my friends it’s just me and my friends. So, when I first was single I decided to try Tinder. Worst mistake ever. Recently, I decided I’d try OkCupid. The guys I’ve talked to seem to be a bit more respectful, yet the process is the same. You text, you meet up, you spend a few hours awkwardly talking to each other, then you leave and probably never see them again. Even if you enjoyed their company, you’ll probably never hear from them again. At all. Ever.
The problem is, we all want instant gratification. With a dating app, the possibilities are endless as to who you can meet. Except, you know, someone actually looking to get to know you. Why? Because you get that first date, that’s it. You don’t get multiple dates to try and get to know someone, and if you do then you feel like you’re leading them on if eventually you decide they might not be the best fit for you.
When I first started using Tinder, my roommate at the time had met her boyfriend through the app. I figured it was worth a shot to get to know someone new! And damn was I wrong.
The first guy I went out with was sweet, yet he wanted to kiss me at the end of out first date. I had to awkwardly turn him down because, honestly, I didn’t know the dude. I’m not a touchy person. Touching people I do not know, and even some I do know, creeps me out. By the end of our second date, I felt almost trapped. I had to kiss him, there was no getting out of it. Okay, well, there’s always a way to get out of it and honestly, if you are not comfortable GET OUT OF IT. Being me, I willingly sacrificed my boundaries for him to be comfortable. (Never again.) Turns out, this was the worst kiss ever. It was just plain terrible. And he loved it. I could not get away fast enough! By our third date, he was talking about kids and a future. I couldn’t keep going.
The next guy I tried to date, was just an immature ass. He doesn’t even get a story. Why? Because he had me meet him at 3 different bars just to stand me up. Online dating is the worst.
My last Tinder story is one of much disappointment. I went out for drinks with this hot guy, he even ordered my drink for me. Normally, I’d be pissed. But dang, do I love Jameson and Ginger ale now! We talked, there was no awkwardness and we got along. He even smoked cigarettes. After our dinner, we stood outside and smoked. Talked about our favorite movies and such. Earlier, he had described his home as looking like a place to take a girl to rape her. That was all that was in my mind as he asked if I’d like to go back to his place for some vodka. Yeah, no thanks. And I went back home. To my own home.
Oh, also, I went out with a guy I’m pretty sure was 18 once. At least I hope he was 18, dude was not 24 like he said.
While my dates from OkCupid have been a bit better, they’re still nothing short of a total disaster. Much like my social life.
My first date went amazingly well. Sure, the guy talked a bit too much about himself, but it was okay. I saw him and I being more along the lines of good friends. But, I decided to give him a chance. I let him take me to Oktoberfest and we saw Lil John “dj’ing.” I was relaxed, we had some good conversation and then I found out how much of a Lil John fan he is. The guy I was with was dabbing. And I’m sorry, if you are dabbing it should have something to do with smoking weed, not a dance move. You look like an idiot. Well, we were watching some famous guy press a play button and yell cuss words at us.
That night didn’t end well as he had gotten a little too touchy for me. He did nothing wrong, except continued to touch me after I had asked him to stop. He also kissed me quite a few times. And while they weren’t bad kisses, I did not want to be kissed. I was being yelled at by Lil John. Not in the mood to kiss some guy while someone is yelling, “yeAHuh” into a microphone.
Although, since he was nice I gave him a chance at a third date. And boy, do I regret that shit. The entire time we were on our phones talking to other people, hell I even decided it’d be a good idea to get wasted. Turns out, my carpet would say that was a worse idea than going on the date to begin with. My poor carpet. And poor me who had to clean up after my sick self while hungover and trying to not make an even bigger mess.
I eventually decided to text one of my good friends to rescue me. He came and saved my drunk ass and took me home. That was possibly one of the most awkward dates I had ever been on, oh, except for the one time it happened before!
I had actually met a guy through friends, and he was the worst date ever. I had to pay $80 for our first dinner. Never got paid back. Then, one night he took me out and got me drunk. I had to call one of my friends to save me out of that situation as well. Sitting in a bar with the guy to your left crushing on you, the guy to your right being protective, and you in the middle secretly crushing on guy who saved you, is definitely the most awkward thing ever.
Now, I have a date tomorrow with a guy who looks exactly like my father because he’s too nice and I couldn’t say no. Someone please, save me.
The one thing I’ve learned from all of this is that manatee stuffed animals make better dates than boys do. Also, I’d rather cuddle up and binge watch the Ranch with my best guy friend for 6 hours than to sit through another meal I feel guilty for making a guy pay for.