**This post contains topics that may be triggers to some readers. Self harm is mentioned and a picture shown in this post. If you are struggling with depression, please seek professional help. I also want to state again, I am not a danger to myself nor to others. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow in which I will be discussing my issues.**
When you have a panic disorder, you know how exhausting it can be to have an attack or episode. The only thing I like about experiencing an attack is the wonderful sleep I get afterwards. But, it’s still so not worth it. The uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating, catastrophic thoughts. It’s all so overwhelming that your mind might decide to shut down. And that’s okay.
I used to be able to have a panic attack one day, then act as if nothing were wrong the next. It’s not like that so much anymore. I had a panic attack on Sunday night, I’m still recovering from it. It wasn’t the worst I’ve had, and I wasn’t in danger at all. No one was attacking me physically or mentally. My mind was attacking itself, though. Bringing up all the old memories of abuse I used to live with.
It takes me more time to recover, now. It’s probably taking so long for me right now because I’m not doing everything I know I should be doing to recover. Yesterday, instead of recovering I beat myself up some more. Today, instead of recovering I’m ignoring it. Completely. Not doing a damn thing to help myself. Well, writing this helps me but, I still don’t know why I can’t fully recover this time.
It’s almost as if there’s just a little bit more, a little more panic that hasn’t been recognized yet. And I don’t know how to deal with that in a healthy way. I could harm myself, but that’ll just cause more panic. I could drink, but then I’d lose 48 hours of working medicine due to alcohol being processed first. I could write, like I am now, only it doesn’t seem to be helping. I could take a bubble bath, but that doesn’t slow down the racing negative thoughts running around my head.
The photo above shows my daily reminder that something has to change. And it has to change, soon. I can not continue on going down this path. This is not the worst I’ve done to myself, but it’s the worst I’ve done in a while. Part of me wants to start counting the days since I’ve last harmed myself. The other part of me wants to continue to feel something. I’ve been numb since my anxiety attack. I can’t feel sad, happy, I felt hope for a split second last night, but couldn’t even feel the disappointment that followed it.
Today, I did take a small step towards recovery. I poured out all my alcohol and I’m proud to say there is no chance of whiskey being in that coffee mug! As much as I hated seeing that lovely tequila being poured down the drain, I know I need to start saving myself. I need to save myself from addiction, pain, and toxic relationships. I need to be gentle to myself.
On days like today, remember it’s okay not to do much. But, I also want you to remember not to unpack and live there. I have now for the past few weeks and I need to kick my own ass and get myself in gear. I need to try my best to live again, as hard as it may be. I encourage you to start small, start with a small to do list. You got this. We’ve all got this. I’ll be posting tips for anxiety recovery days sometime soon. I hope they help some of you to overcome the pain that is moving forward after breaking a little bit.