My mind quite literally looks like this to myself at the moment. Cluttered, trashy, too caffinated, and gray. There is a war going on inside my head that has left me feeling numb. I’m not getting joy from my writing, I’m not able to relax, I’m not looking forward to my date tonight, and I wasn’t excited when I saw my story published online.
A couple days ago, I had an anxiety attack. It has left me numb. I purposefully searched for people to hurt me yesterday so I could feel saddness. I tried to harm myself by scratching, it didn’t do anything. I felt a little bit of hope yesterday, but was unable to feel the disappointment that followed. It took me until just now to realize, this is the depression in the aftermath of my attack.
These moments, these are the moments that matter so much. This is where my mind chooses to fall into a depressive episode, or stand tall and fight for myself. While I’m doing everything in my power to stay strong, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough.
This feeling of being numb, it makes me so desperate for any sort of feeling. The numbness makes me want to do absolutely anything just to feel something. This is the feeling that scares me most.
I was well acquainted with this feeling in high school, it’s when I began to self harm. It’s why I turned to alcohol, and why I needed the approval of a man. My mind is in a jumble, these words are fighting hard to come out. All I want to do is crawl into bed and hide. But, even more, deep down, I know I want to write. I actually have no idea if any of this “flows” or makes any sense at all. I’m trying, though.
My best friend just told me, that I can’t help anyone unless I help myself. She asked me to look at myself in a way I’ve never before seen myself.
“You said you want to be able to help “people” overcome their mental illness and help them find their way. What if all those people could see you right now? Do you think if you keep going the way you are, you’ll be able to help anyone else? ”
When she asked me, “What if all those people could see you right now?” I stopped. My eyes were opened. If my readers could see me right now, they’d be yelling at me to get a fucking grip. I like to imagine y’all are badass and cuss when getting your point across like I do.
You’d see me sitting outside all day, chain smoking, drinking coffee. You’d see me looking into my apartment with heartbroken eyes as I look at my dog who is helplessly staring at me, wishing I’d play. You’d see me slouching around, refilling my coffee mug. You’d see a woman in distress over what to do next. You’d look into my eyes, you wouldn’t see any life.
I long to live my life as an inspiration. I don’t want to say one thing and then do another. I don’t want to spend all my time hopelessly trying to help everyone else while I continue to fall. I want to stand strong again like I was not even a week ago. I want to be the woman people can look at and say, “she’s doing her damn best to keep herself going. Look at her strength.” By the way, this strength comes from my God, not myself.
While my purpose in life is to inspire others and be happy, I need to take some time to figure out the happy part. I continue to invite you all to join me on my journey. Through the hell of depression, and the heaven of recovery. At each point, I want to share with you my life. I will continue to be honest, raw and emotional. However, my focus may shift towards better helping myself (inspiration for you to help yourself) and some more happy subjects.
If anyone has a subject they’d like me to write about, happy or emotional, email me! If you want your story to be told, I’d love to start a conversation with you about how we can do that together!