mental health

And I Quit

**This post contains subjects that may be triggers. It includes talk of self harm. I want to let everyone know, I am not a danger to myself or to others. I have a therapy appointment in just a couple hours where I will seek help on my way to recovery. If you are struggling, please seek help.**

Just a few weeks ago, I downloaded a dating app. Today, I’m here to tell you that dating is bullshit. Like, seriously, why do people actually WANT to do this? Guys, you’re wasting your hard earned money on girls who just want free food. Girls, you’re not going to find a soul mate in the guy whose profile picture is him shirtless. Just ain’t gonna happen.

I will admit, I have met some pretty cool people while using this app. I’ve met writers, college guys, and musicians. I’ve met people who just moved into town, and people who have grown up here. I’ve met a couple really decent guys and a few not so great ones. I’m sorry, but anyone who “dabs” is not right for me. And I mean the dance move, if you take dabs then you’re a stoner and I love you.

Recently, I decided not to write about my dating experiences anymore. It bit me in the ass when I wrote about how I didn’t want to go on one date. He read it. I ended up hurting someone who was nice and thoughtful. I felt like such a bitch. He then thought I went on a pity date with him, which was not my intention. I just didn’t know how to politely tell one of the sweetest guys that I was not interested. See? Dating is bullshit.

The reasoning behind why I quit dating runs a bit deeper than it just being bullshit. Yes, getting guy’s hopes up and letting them down isn’t fun. And neither is when they never text you back. But, I need to quit to save myself.

There’s been a couple events lately that triggered my anxiety. Plus one work project that has brought up some stress. This makes a great cocktail for depression. Speaking of cocktails, guys love to grab a beer hell, so do I. But, I’ve decided to quit drinking and I’ve been on Mill Ave way too much lately on dates.

I’ll be honest, I’ve self harmed recently and decided it wasn’t a big deal. However, on my way home last night I heard a song that should have made me cry, it didn’t. So, I listened to a song I knew would make me cry. And while I did cry, I still felt nothing. No saddness, no disappointment, no anger. So, I began scratching my arm. Yes, with my fingernails. Gross, I know. It was the only way I could feel something, anything.

So, with this having happened I made another tough choice. One of many to come. I deleted the app so I may focus on myself. I’m going on one last date tonight, just because he seemed interesting. Also, because he wants coffee. I can’t predict the future, so I’ll be upfront and honest with him. If he’s not scared off, maybe we’ll have another date seeing tonight goes well. If not, then I continue this journey with little distraction. 

The point to this is, I want everyone to know it’s okay to be single. I’ve been single for a year now, and I’m much happier. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but none of us are ever truly alone. If you feel that you are, I encourage you to seek friendship online. Whether you, yourself get a dating app, or join an online forum. But do, be careful. Don’t share personal information with strangers. And, of course, feel free to email me for a friend to talk to. 

Take the first step in loving yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Hide away if you need to, get out if you need to. No one deserves to be sad and lonely, we’re human. We were designed for community, love, and happiness.



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