I apologize, but the middle finger is currently called for today. Why? Because I’m mad. I’m mad at someone for violating my boundaries and I’m mad at myself for letting it happen. So, so mad at myself.
Okay, back story. I was online dating for a while, then I decided to stop. It just wasn’t productive or going anywhere. However, my therapist wanted me to continue to get out and do things. I feel more comfortable when I’m with someone so, I decided to give it one last try. One last time to see if I should continue or not. Well, damn was that a bad idea.
I met a guy for coffee, he was perfectly my type of guy. Beard, tattoos, skinny, rode a motorcycle. Everything a little girl imagines her Prince Charming to be, right? Anyway, he was nice. So, last night I went to his place and we watched some Netflix. No big deal. He kissed me and I made it instantly clear that I was not going to let things go further. I honestly could not have been more clear.
Today, I stopped by his place to say hi and chat for a moment. He started giving me a back rub, which, I mean, who the hell is gonna say no to a back rub? I mean, come on. However, he took that as an invitation to put his hand up my skirt. Yeah, to put is fucking hand UP my skirt. He wanted to grab my ass, I let him. I let him grab my ass while I told him, “No.”
I’m so mad at myself. How could I not have seen this coming? Why did I put so much trust into someone I barely even knew?
What he doesn’t know, is how badly this is going to affect me. What he doesn’t know is how I suffer from major depressive disorder, anxiety, ADD, and PTSD. Ever wonder what the PTSD is from?
It’s partially from men who have treated me like it’s their right to grab my ass. As a young teenager, I thought my worth was solely based on the physical attention I got from guys. That bled over into my early twenties. I’m talking, I still have issues but I’m working on them. I’m a lot better now. But, not only that, I was raped when I was 19 years old. I was drugged, by a “friend” and raped in front of my other “friends.” I have no memory other than waking up in the morning. I won’t go into too much detail.
But that guy from today, he doesn’t know this. He doesn’t know the pain he’s caused. He doesn’t know that tonight, I’ll go to bed with tears in my eyes and flashbacks in my mind. Pictures I’m not sure are real or made up. He doesn’t know he violated me. Why doesn’t he know this?
Because I can’t stand up for myself. If a guy kisses me and I’m not into it, I let him. I may have said no, but I let him do it. I didn’t get mad afterwards, I kissed him goodbye with a smile. It didn’t even register in my mind that I had been violated until I got home and was alone. I didn’t text him to tell him off, I texted him saying I didn’t want to waste his time. I wasn’t looking to hookup. I apologized to him. I fucking apologized to him.
Stand up for yourselves. Everyone, please.