For years, I’ve struggled with the negative thoughts, or “voices” in my mind. The words coming from myself and my mother were the hardest to accept. The ones from others were tackled over time. It took me 10 years to realize I needed to begin work on the negativitiy from myself and my mother. But, after writing my last blog post, I realized that it may not be my mental health issues that caused me problems last night. I think there might be another trail of negative thoughts left behind from someone else.
While I’ve taken every step possible to create distance from me and my toxic ex, his words are still engraved in my mind. I finally realize just why I was so uncomfortable last night. And God, do I wish I could have recognized it sooner.
My ex had a difficult time understanding my social personality. I’m closed off, I don’t do well in groups of people, especially ones full of people I don’t know. I resort back to being as shy as I was in high school and earlier. I get quiet, and when I try to say something, it comes out wrong.
He instilled in my mind that I come off as a bitch to the friends of the person I’m interested in. My ex’s best friend hated me so much at first, he tried to break us up. He won. After a while, his best friend understood I actually was cool, I just didn’t come off that way at first. However, my ex remained extremely hesitant to introduce me to people in fear I would be a bitch. He refused to introduce me to people. He told me I was a stuck up Arizona city girl with a bitchy attitude. He made me believe it. I didn’t even know until now that I believed him.
Last night, I was so concerned with trying to make the perfect impression that I probably did come off as a bitch. Why? Because I was listening to my ex’s voice in my mind. Still haunting me. I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to get over this one. Hopefully, the guy I went out with continues to talk to me and remains in my life. Hopefully, he will give me a chance to warm up to him. Hopefully, he will let me explain. All I can do is hope. Even though, he asked if I wanted to possibly hang out for a third day in a row, I still feel like I fucked up.
But, what I want to say is this: I know who I am.
- I’m caring
- I’m loving
- I’m happy
- I’m funny
- I’d do anything for someone that matters to me
- I love deeply
- I’m kind
- There’s not an ounce of me that is hateful (yeah, I strongly dislike a few people)
- I’m genuine
- I’m a smart ass
- I’m just plain smart
- I’m talented
- I’m deserving of love
- I’m deserving of respect
- I’m not a bitch.