I don’t remember the last time I ate a meal. I think it was on Tuesday. Today is Sunday, I think. My days have been getting jumbled up in the clouds of my mind. I’m pretty sure last night was Saturday. Yes, yes it was.
I’m starting to see the effects that not eating is having on my body. Before Tuesday, I had gone another five days with only one proper meal. My clothes fit better, my collar bone is starting to show, my face looking thinner. I blame it on my medication, which is also used to fight binge eating as well as ADD/ADHD. The truth is, while it does suppress my appetite, when it wears off I can eat. I haven’t been able to eat when it wears off. Normally, if I take my afternoon ADD medication, I wake up starving in the middle of the night. I haven’t felt hunger in weeks.
The truth is, I’m going through another Depressive Episode. Only, slightly different than the previous ones I’ve mentioned. This one has no cause, it has no reasoning. Maybe it’s possible to have been triggered by the emotional loss of my toxic person, but I felt so happy when I stood up for myself. I was on top of the world. Now, my depression needs me to stand up to it and fight. I don’t have the strength.
This Depressive Episode isn’t like recent ones. It’s not leaving me hopeless. I don’t feel suicidal. I have felt numb, like I wanted to self harm, but I didn’t. Maybe I just need to clean more, or get out more. It’s possible I may have let myself attach onto another person and given them that control over me that I had just gotten back. I’m not used to having it, so that’s a possibility.
I’m learning to accept this for what it is. It’s another time in my life where I feel as though I can’t do anything. But in reality, I’m writing more and actually drawing for once. I’m happy when I’m creative, maybe this is trying to teach me something. My sister (best friend) told me that this is a phase that tends to happen in my life. I get real low, real down and I stop doing things. Then, I eventually kick my own ass and good things start to happen. I’m choosing to stick it out and see what good thing will happen.
The most frustrating part about these phases is that it makes me feel so damn unreliable. I can’t hold a job just while I’m feeling good, leave while I’m depressed, and then come back as if nothing had happened. I want to start volunteering, something that’s been on my mind for a while, but I don’t know if I have the strength to help others at the moment. You have to help yourself before you can inspire and take care of others. My inspiration place, my soul, feels drained. I’m so self obsessed trying to figure myself out that I can’t afford to focus on others. And it’s killing me.
My two goals in life are these, to be happy and to inspire others. I can’t inspire others unless I’m happy. And, I guess, maybe right now I’m not exactly happy. It’s not because of my depression that I’m not happy, it’s because I’m not happy that’s making me depressed. There are things I want in life that I’m so close to having the chance at, that I’m ruining it for myself. I’m so close to building a career, so close to a possible relationship, so close to inspiring others on a daily basis.
I long to be back in a place where even though I’m depressed, I can still say that I’m happy with how life is. I know I need to do some soul searching, some information gathering, I just can’t bring myself to face the hard stuff. I have a plan all set up to start rebuilding myself, yet I’m terrified to do it. I just freeze up.
It’s so easy to just stay miserable. So much easier to blame everything on my mental health issues. And while some things do come from that, others come from me wanting to stay in my miserable little comfort zone. It’s amazing how comfortable heartache can be.
I do want to leave my readers with something other than my emotional rambling. While I hope this made you feel less alone in your struggles, I want to leave you inspired as well. Take heart in knowing that one day, you’ll feel again. Even if you feel sadness, be grateful. This means you’re alive. Happy isn’t the only emotion that tells us we are living. Pain, suffering, they’re just there to remind us that we are alive. We are learning something. Pain is a warning sign, too. It’s a sign that joy and happiness is on its way. You just have to see the pain through, let it run its course. This, too, shall pass.