I wish I could say that it’s been nice having you around, again, but it’s not. Every time I make progress towards moving on without you, you come back. You don’t like it when I’m self-sufficient. You’re just like every other abusive person in my past, making me dependent on you. Well, I stopped taking the abuse from those people, and I’ll stop taking it from you, too.
I let you in my head. I saw you coming from across the bar, and I let you slip in. You knew I was weak, I was in a bar and I wasn’t allowing myself to drink. You took your moment to strike, you succeeded.
You’ve become good friends with anxiety, so good of friends that you’ve learned how to make me believe I’m just a little anxious rather than me knowing you’re feeding me lies. You started by telling me that I should just keep my mouth shut or I’ll say something stupid. And when I did say something, you instantly told me I sounded like a stupid bitch. I let myself believe you.
The day after, you invited anxiety to join the party. You let me worry about what I had done the night before, I got 2 hours of sleep and you knew I was yet again vulnerable. I let you both in some more. I let you both sink your poisonous teeth into my mind again.
I spent my entire day Friday wondering what someone thought of me. I had no logical evidence to back up what you were saying to me, but I believed you anyway. I let you convince me that he didn’t truly care, that he’s going to leave me, that I ruined things. Then, you started to tell me how worthless I am. You began to remind me of all the hateful things people had done to me. You told me that I take too much effort, I’m not worth getting to know. I let you fill my head all day Friday. I let you fill my head again all day Saturday. And, I let you fill my head again on Sunday night, tonight.
Well, I’ve got some news for you. I’m onto you. I know you’re here. I know you’re lying to me. I can tell which thoughts come from me and which come from you in the mocking voices of past abusers. I can hear a clear difference and I refuse to listen to you anymore. My mind is my mind.
I have a purpose, to be happy and to inspire. I have amazing qualities about myself that I love. I’m caring, thoughtful, loving, supportive, kind, intelligent, uplifting, and most importantly, I’m stronger than you.
I will wake up tomorrow morning when my alarm clock goes off. I will get up, make my coffee, and take my fur baby for a walk. I will come back and continue to live my day. Tomorrow, I will be going to a coffee shop and you are not invited to join. I will be confident, loving of myself. I will not let you hold me back any longer. I’ve got a life to live and you can just get the fuck out of my way.