I’m currently sitting in my car waiting to go into my psychiatrist appointment. And I’m hurt, angry, and trying so hard to not break down and cry, again. I have my decaf coffee and my favorite radio station playing, right now things are okay. But earlier, they weren’t.
Lately, I’ve been at that phase of a depressive episode where I’m in an out of sadness and numbness. There’s very little hope or happiness within me. I’m telling my best friend that my life sucks, I see nothing good. I can’t even bring myself to be positive for myself. I can barely even begin to think about helping others, much less actually inspiring. I’m empty. I’m sad.
My friend gave me some tough love, throwing it in my face that I do not have a shitty life. And while it helped me that night and the next day, the benefits from that talk have long worn off. However, I’m still carrying around the weight of things she told me I need to do. I’m still carrying the guilt of feeling like my life is shit, when it’s not really. I’m feeling the burden of not doing what I need to do. And then on top of that, I have a few others telling me things I need to accomplish. I’m overwhelmed.
If you don’t know what depression feels like, imagine there being another you. But, this you can’t walk. So, you carry yourself on your back constantly. You feel the weight when you’re trying to get up, you feel it pulling you backwards. 24/7 this other You is clinging to your back, affecting your every move. And it won’t leave. Sometimes, you can set it down for a few days but eventually, you’re forced to pick up this helpless version of yourself again.
I’m doing good to be alive. I’m proud of myself for simply getting out of bed today. I didn’t want to do that. Then people tell me to do other things? They have the nerve to make me feel even more like I’m a failure. I look at these mountains of tasks I’m supposed to do and I just break down and cry. I’m trying my best to not just break down and stay there. My mind can’t function, it can’t process the things I need to accomplish. My mind is shutting down. It’s wanting me to self harm. It’s wanting me to give up. And your to do lists, they just give me more reason to quit.
So, basically, stop telling me what I should do. Stop telling me the things I already know could possibly help, I can’t function well enough to do them! And don’t you think for a damn second that I enjoy this “laziness” because I don’t! I want to take care of myself, but I’m exhausted. I need help.