My original plan for today was to write about what it’s like getting ready for, and leading up to, a date when you have mental health issues. That’s why I took the above, “before” photo and then was going to document my entire getting ready process and all that fun shit.
However, I got side tracked and completely forgot to document my getting ready routine. Which, turns out, is totally okay because the story alone of just getting TO my date is way better.
We were both running a bit late, me because I had to stop and get coffee before I went to see a movie. Makes sense. Anyway, on my way there driving didn’t seem so bad. And then, I almost hit someone on a bike going about 50mph and about died of a damn heart attack! Like, that was not an okay “almost” moment for my anxiety. At that point, the chain smoking was about to start.
And then, I got into the parking lot of, I swear, Arizona’s busiest dang mall! People were assholes, cutting in front of me, going around me, blocking traffic. I literally had a “fuck people” moment. This moment occurs when even coffee and a cigarette won’t calm my poor nerves!
So, giving up, I decided to try the parking garage. Boy, was that also a nightmare. It was like the people in the parking lot only in a smaller enclosed space. So, yeah, anxiety definitely was high. I was pissed off, stressed out, and just ready to go the hell home. But, no. I had a date. I was determined to go on this date.
I finally get inside the mall, after finishing another cigarette. I parked by Tiffany’s so, that at least brought a smile to my face as I love Audrey Hepburn. However, my smile quickly faded as I was forced to be walking in groups of people that didn’t give a shit about who they were cutting off and other people staring at me. I changed that mindset into, “damn, I must look good!” And then a hot guy complimented me on my shirt. He knew who Joan Jett was. Had I not been about to go on a date, I would have totally gotten his number, guys. Still actually kinda wondering why I didn’t. Oh, well!
I finally made it through the Anxiety torture chamber and into the public restroom. Which was small and had a line. Which just meant a crowd of even MORE people in an even SMALLER space. I was seriously on the verge of tears.
To make all this better, I was in the same location I had been in when I had my anxiety attack/meltdown after the movies. Thankfully, when I met up with my date, he was cool with not seeing the movie that started half am hour before we got there. So, we went to grab coffee.
I was feeling so anxious and so incredibly uncomfortable by this point that I just wanted to go home. No offense to my date, this had nothing to do with him. I was so wrapped up in myself and worried about myself that I just had to get out of there and go back to my “safe place.” Aka: my patio in which I never leave anymore.
After a day of chain smoking and attempting to get back out into life, I took myself a nice hot bubble bath and put a moisturizing face mask on. It was good to just relax and let life go. Let go of all the thoughts, anxieties, worries, everything. Of course, they all came back after my bath. But, it’s okay. It’s almost time to curl up with a good book and get some much needed sleep. Hopefully tomorrow morning will come with a much better day attached to it.