As I sit outside with my fur baby, I realize it’s time to admit something to everyone. I am terrified of recovery. I have been depressed since I was probably about 11 years old. I’ve lost who I truly am.
As much as I long to be the girl I once was, I wonder if she even still exists. What version of this girl remains after so many years of darkness? Is there even enough left of me to have that spark in my eyes return? What does this girl want? What does she need in order to succeed?
This is me. On a night where pain filled my eyes, my soul. This is the girl I’ve gotten to know. This is the comfort zone I’ve come to love. As horrible as it sounds, I’m comfortable being miserable. I have something to work on, I have an excuse, and I have something making me think.
I’ve grown used to being in a state of panic, feeling no emotions at all, or even just somewhere in between. Still in my own personal hell, I’ve been living there for a decade. It’s become me. It’s become who I am. So, what am I without it? The answer that comes easily, well, it’d be that I am nothing. But, that just can’t be, I won’t let that be.
I can see it in my eyes now. I’ve got my little bit of attitude back. I’ve got my sarcasm, my humor, my emotions. I’m content, but yet restless. There is nothing to be sad about, nothing to be anxious about, nothing at all. Depression has taken a step back to let me be myself for once. But, how do I do that when I no longer know who I truly am without depression?
Well, let’s see, I’m smart, talented, kind, caring, loving, awkward, funny, compassionate, thoughtful, sweet, shy, happy, passionate, and a slight bit rebellious.
I long to be happy and to inspire others. I want to write, draw, sing, dance, create, explore, love deeply, be free.
I guess, I need to work on who I am as a person. Begin to find things that take up my time as someone who is no longer depressed.
I’m sure depression will come back, I have an illness that can’t always be cured. It’s pretty apparent it’s sticking around for a while. But at this moment, I choose to look to the bright side, I choose to enjoy each and every little moment, and I choose to me unapologetically me.