What Am I Doing?

My morning didn’t start out as any other normal morning usually would have. With leftover makeup on my face and my hair a mess, I decided to do something that normally I would hate the thought of. I went for a walk first thing in the morning. 

Yeah, I wrote a whole blog post on it earlier. It was that great of an experience. However, my awesomeness didn’t just stop there! I set a time limit for myself for how long I would allow myself to stay outside. Keeping with the time limit, I was inside and doing things by 11am. This is a new record, I usually don’t look at the clock until about 1pm and then my day is gone. 

Yes, my bathroom is still a mess from Halloween but, I got ready. I did a light makeup application (tinted moisturizer, eyeliner,mascara, and lipstick) and I put on clothes that made me feel more put together. Every little bit helps. I can’t tell you how much my mood has changed when I’m out just by simply putting effort into what I wear. It’s amazing. It’s like I rediscovered my love for fashion. 

As an incentive to keep myself going, I made a stop by Starbucks. Usually, through the drive thru and I’m on my way. Well, now I’m making myself go into Starbucks. Just a little extra human interaction, without being forced to hold a conversation, is nice. It helps keep me centered and in the moment. 

After my caffeine fix, I went on my way to go buy my weekly carton of cigarettes. Yeah, I know I need to stop but at least I’ve cut back from my 2 packs a day that I was at. I’m back down to a pack and a half. Next stop, one pack. 

Anyway, I went on to the grocery store and bought some actual food. For what felt like the first time in a year, I bought food I’d have to cook. It’s a miracle! I may not have gotten the healthiest of things, but I’m well on my way to at least eating again! 

When I got back, I did something I was not expecting. Still going off of my grocery shopping accomplishment, I cleaned my patio! I even set up my patio chairs and brought outside a table. Look, there’s no more cigarettes covering the floor! You can actually see the ground! It’s another miracle! 

Warren and I went on 3 walks today, and with all the accomplishments I had made, there was still a problem. I don’t know how to function without there being a problem. I don’t know how to act when I’m not feeling the effects of depression and anxiety. I’ve forgotten how to be a normal human being that’s not wallowing around in self pity all the time. My depression had lifted, my anxiety was manageable, and my bad ADD wasn’t affecting me at all. I got bored. I didn’t know what to do.

The last time I felt this way, I talked myself back into panic, back into depression. I’ve gotten so used to them I don’t know what to do without them around. It truly scares me because then there is nothing to do. I guess on the bright side, if I keep up feeling like this for long enough, there’s no reason as to why I can’t go back to living a life. I guess we will see what happens!



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