mental health, Uncategorized

My Mistake is a Tough Lesson Learned

It’s time I admit it. I am dependent on my medication. This is the hardest thing for me to admit to. But it’s true. I need it. It helps me. Life without it is hell. 

Last night, I didn’t take my antipsychotic. My mood stabilizer. I’ve only been on this medicine for a week and a half yet, I’ve already become dependent on it for survival. 

I was able to write a blog post earlier, but unable to be content with my writing since. I’ve been distracted by my anxiety, it’s been tearing me down since my first cup of coffee this morning. Depression is hiding behind it, I can see it. It’s making me feel drained, unable to function. All because of one missed dose. 

I laid on the sofa for about an hour after trying to relax in the bath. My day dreams ran wild. My anxiety egging them on. To day dream, is a beautiful thing. But, when your mind convinces you those dreams are reality, it can be a dangerous place. I hate letting my imagination run wild, I’m afraid of all the places it will go. 

I’ve seen my imagination go to a blissful wonderland full of hope and love. I’ve seen it go deep down into the darkness full of death and despair. My imagination is a powerful thing, one I wish to leave alone. 

My mind wanders as I lay on my sofa. Not once stopping for a break. It can’t even finish it’s own day dreams. Quickly, my mind moves from one thought to another. Quickly, my mood changes with each thought. 

It’s all I can do to sit up today. It’s all I can do to write. The anxiety has come back because I let my walls get weak. I let it break through. My mind is being invaded again. And it’s all I can do to breathe. 

Don’t expect much from me today. I’m scared of this place my mind has gone. I don’t want to be alone, but I’m afraid to ask for comfort. I find peace in sitting outside with my dog laying on my lap. I find joy in knowing this won’t last forever, it’ll be over tomorrow. Until then, I hang on tight. And I trust the journey. 



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