Yesterday I was an emotional wreck because I skipped a dose of my antipsychotic. As much as I hated being in that place, I can now look back and see just how much I needed it to happen. I needed to be an emotional wreck, I needed to self harm again, and I needed to lay in my bed and have an unusually calm panic attack. I needed the reminder.
I was in this thought of thinking that my depression was cured by my new medication. I hadn’t touched my self help books, I hadn’t made any effort to keep up my routine. I was still depressed, but not acknowledging it. And that is dangerous.
Yesterday, I was reminded that it’s all still there. The desire to harm myself, the need to just cry, the loneliness is all still there. It’s been buried under my medication and ignored by my busy weekend.
I’m in recovery, yet I’m still depressed. I may not feel the physical side effects of depression anymore, but I still need to be working on myself. I’m not all better just yet.
I should have realized it by the fact that I sleep in so late, I sleep so long. And it takes me hours to convince myself to get up. Last night, I slept from 8pm until 10:30am. My alarm is set at 6am. Instead of turning it off, I dreamt it was a beeping sound in an airplane simulator game. Yeah, I’m that much of a nerd.
The first sign of a Depressive Episode, at least a bad one, is sleeping a lot. I even took 2 naps yesterday. Maybe 3. I was ready for bed by 7pm. I had been ignoring this major indication that something is terribly wrong. I didn’t even walk my dog yesterday, now I’ve got a mess to clean up.
Being depressed while on a medication that makes me not depressed is something new to work on. It’s uncharted territory for me. But I’m here, and I need to start exploring.
I’ve ignored my bills, those need to be paid. I’ve ignored the clutter, that needs to be cleaned up. But first, I need to open my depression book and dive back into my recovery. I need to remember the only way to beat this is not only medication, but therapy and self care work.
Take the time you need today to evaluate where you are. Write down things that are wrong, write down things that are right. Write down improvements you can make to those that are wrong. Seek help. Seek a listening ear. Seek love, comfort, and support.