In the mornings, I’m organized. I can get shit done and feel good about it. And then, my brain stops. As soon as I take a break to relax, my mind is gone. Suddenly, I can’t focus any longer.
My mind has just gone blank. It takes energy to think up something to do, and then that thing seems just so unrealistic to me that I don’t do it. My brain freezes. I sit there with my head in my hands asking myself, “what do I do now?”
This is the time when my therapist wants me to get out of my own head. He wants me to get out and do things. But he doesn’t realize that right now, if I were to go do things, I’d be buying cigarettes and then running to Target to spend all my money. I can’t do that. I can’t leave the house feeling like I will waste away what’s left of my money.
I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. My body feels as though I need to do something, but my mind is at a loss for what I can do. I want to do something creative, but I don’t feel like I have the ability to at the moment.
Maybe I’ll try going for a walk, finding a creative way to finish my current photography project.
I don’t think I’ll be spending my day doing much, but I hope to at least get something accomplished.