I wish I could still say that it’s been since February that I’ve self harmed. But, I can’t. Many of you who read my blog know that in October I began scratching myself again. Many of you don’t know that just on Monday, I began to cut myself again. Just yesterday, I spent money I shouldn’t have spent. I belittle myself almost daily. However, I’ve been forcing myself to eat once a day and I haven’t drank in a month.
Self harm is a dark place to be. It’s the darkest place my mind can go to. In this state of mind, I’m rescuing myself. Seeing blood brings joy. Feeling the pain brings relief. But all at the same time, there’s a voice in my head yelling at me to stop.
This last time I cut myself, it wasn’t “bad.” The cuts were more like scratches, there was blood, but there was hardly any pain. Since that moment, I’ve been fighting the thought of it not being good enough. It was not “bad” enough to justify how I feel inside. Yesterday, I was convinced I’d do it again. I didn’t. Today, the thought wasn’t on my mind until now. Now, I’m convinced I’ll do it again today. I’m just so sure of it.
Why? Because it’s a different situation. Back then, I was being attacked. And I was attacking myself. There was obvious reason to my pain. But now, now there is nothing.
I’m not depressed, I’m not suicidal, I’m not completely numb to my emotions. Yet, I’m stuck. I’m not happy, either. I’m content in this feeling of almost nothingness.
My days are boring. My life is boring. I do nothing but sit around all day, when I do something it’s focused towards my mental health. I’m growing so sick and tired of the nothingness. I want to do things, live life more, but I’m stuck.
Anytime I have a thought about bettering my life or my future, it’s followed by this insane amount of anxiety. I don’t even dream about traveling anymore. All I want to do is be by myself in my little apartment not being a burden to the rest of the world.
I hope I can hold off on the self harm until my therapy appointment today. I know something is wrong, I know I need to make a change. But today, I can’t.
I woke up depressed, I didn’t take my dog for a walk again this morning. My new medicine isn’t having the same affect as when I started it. I’m worried for myself, but at the same time excited to feel something other than this nothingness I’ve been dealing with.
Please, if you feel like harming yourself, seek help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. You’re strong, you deserve so much more. Believe in yourself. Call or text a crisis line if you need to, please don’t harm yourself.