When you’re single, especially single and dealing with difficult life issues, you get to hear all the best chichés.
“You need to learn to be happy alone.”
“You need to spend some time on yourself.”
“You won’t meet your person until you are happy alone.”
“Just because you accept that you’re alone right now, doesn’t mean you will be forever.”
“You’re not alone, you have me!”
Thanks, guys. Really helpful there! Suddenly, I’m no longer lonely! Damn, I’m a little sarcastic B word today.
We weren’t created to go through life by ourselves. We were created to want to be around people. Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that people who are around others tend to live longer and be more happy. We were meant to find love and enjoy another person’s company.
So, to those of you feeling alone, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. My biggest challenge is fighting off feeling pathetic when I am lonely. God, this world has made me feel like I’m being so incredibly weak by needing someone else. I’m supposed to handle shit on my own, be there for myself, all while being supportive to others. What?
I’m going to say it, I’m single and I’m lonely. Hell, I was lonely half the time I was in a relationship! That’s another story.
It does not make me desperate or pathetic to be lonely. Just because I am feeling lonely doesn’t mean that I’m not happy alone. I love being alone. I NEED my alone time. But, right now, I’ve got too damn much alone time. And texting my best friend isn’t going to fix that.
How can I be perfectly happy alone and still be lonely? Well, I’ve spent every day for the past year working on myself. The moment I left an unhealthy relationship, I began to work on myself. Every great self discovery story begins with a road trip. And I even did that. I’ve started therapy, I’ve gotten a dog, I’ve moved to a new city, I’ve done everything on the self improvement checklist. I’m good. I’m still reading my self help books, I’m still searching for healing, and I continue to work on myself. Just because I’m ready for a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to quit working on me. In fact, the opposite, because relationships help you to learn about yourself more.
The fact that I feel lonely doesn’t mean that I’m pathetic. Sorry, I have to keep repeating that one for myself. I choose to see most things in a way of being able to grow and learn from them. So, how am I choosing to see being lonely? That there’s something in my life that needs improvement. That’s it. I’m unhappy with something, therefore I need to work on improving that.
Now, this does not mean that I am willing to settle. Not at all. Trust me, I tried online dating. If I wanted to settle, I could have! But I didn’t. And I won’t.
This doesn’t mean that you have to go out and look for someone, either. Because, honestly, it’s a waste of time. People are full of shit and there’s a lot of them out there. Looking for someone is heartbreaking. Especially looking for them online. Also, kinda funny. But that’s besides the point.
No, what I mean by needing to improve this part of your life is to open up. Be willing. The reason I was so content alone was because I was too afraid to enter into a relationship just yet, I wasn’t ready. And when I realized that, I didn’t push it. I let life happen. Now that I’m feeling lonely, it’s because my heart is ready to trust someone. I’m finally ready to be willing to accept someone when they come into my life. Whoever it is.
I crave morning cups of coffee with the man I trust. I want to walk with someone next to me while I walk my dog. It’s getting cold outside, I want some damn cuddles! And that’s all okay.
I’m not looking for just anyone to fill these places. No, I’m waiting for the one that will be comfortable enough with me to enjoy sitting there in silence drinking our morning coffee. I’ve also come to the conclusion he must love coffee.
For now, I will continue to be perfectly okay on my own. I’m not hating myself because the chair next to me is empty, but I’m hopeful that one day it won’t be. I’m okay going to a coffee shop alone and eating a whole pizza to myself. I got this single af life down. I know I can be strong and handle this. I realize that I don’t need someone in my life, but I actually want someone there.
How amazing is it to be able to say that someone is in your life because you actually WANT them there? Not because you’re dependent on them, not because your self esteem and sense of purpose comes from them, no. You truly just enjoy that person’s company, you want them around because of who they are, not what they do for you.
That’s why, I’m saying, it’s okay to be lonely. It’s a part of life. There’s a healthy lonely, like the one I’ve described. And, there’s an unhealthy lonely, usually caused by depression. You can tell the difference between the two, I know I can. During depression loneliness, I sought out dates on a dating app. During healthy loneliness, I deleted my dating apps and began to focus on my healing again. Keeping in mind, that when that one badass man comes along that understands my anxiety, I’ll be willing to let him into my little world.