For many of us with a Depressive Disorder, we know the first signs of an episode. Please, don’t ignore the first sign. Catching onto the fact that you’re depressed early might help you avoid falling into the darkness. Maybe, I don’t know. I’ve never tried it, but it’s worth a shot.
This past week I couldn’t sleep. So, it kinda made sense when I didn’t want to get out of bed. However, last night I slept perfectly fine. I still did not want to get out of bed. From 6am to 9am I laid in bed half awake, sometimes going back to sleep. I day dreamed a lot. But it wasn’t normal, it wasn’t day dreams of the future. No, they were day dreams of the past.
I was putting myself back into my memories. Of all the good times, and some bad, from a year or more ago. I’ve moved on, excited for the future. Yet, there I was, wishing I was back in those moments.
I love mornings, so when I don’t want to wake up for them, I know something is wrong. When I start sleeping 10+ hours at night, something is wrong. If I start taking naps, then I know I need help quickly.
I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from doing absolutely nothing. The same old shit every day. Making plans for my future that I will be too afraid to actually act upon.
I know what will help me, I have a whole plan set up for my success. But I just can’t seem to start it. Not at all.
Bit by bit I hope it’ll start coming together, hopefully tomorrow I will wake up with the courage to start fresh and make an impact. I hope it will last. But, who knows. All I can do is try.