Yesterday, I had a friend tell me what depression is. He, who has never suffered from depression, had an opinion in which he believed to be fact based. “Depression is described as an overwhelming sadness for no reason. Not being emotionless. That’s something else.” I refrained from letting this anger me. But the truth is, he’s just wrong.
Sure, depression is sometimes an overwhelming sadness for no reason. I’ve experienced that before. But I also know my depression, I know it’s not just feeling sad. If it were only feeling an overwhelming sadness, wouldn’t I be in tears all the time? There would be no need for self harm, because the sadness would be something I felt, it would let me know I am alive.
As I sit here, right now, I know I am depressed. Not because I am sad or because I want to cry, but because I feel nothing. I feel numb. I do not feel alive. And that, that is depression. When you look over at a stack of books you were so happy to see the day before, and only feel pain, that is depression.
I sit here, next to a box full of creative projects I could be doing. The options are endless to what I can create. Yet, I don’t feel the need to reach down and pick anything up. In fact, looking at it, I don’t feel anything at all.
I look at what I’ve already created, hanging just above it. I don’t feel proud, I don’t feel accomplished, I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s just there. It’s just taking up space.
My sweet and precious fur baby is laying on my lap as I write this. I don’t feel annoyed, I don’t feel loved. He’s just there. Something I can’t move because, if I did, he’d come right back. No matter how many times I try and push him away.
I felt so inspired just yesterday. I felt like today, I’d be on top of the world. But, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning for hours. I’ve done nothing but write simple posts all morning. I felt a bit of excitement when planning a road trip with friends, but that’s long gone now. I don’t even remember how I felt.
All I can do, is sit here. Drink my coffee. Smoke my cigarettes. I wonder when this numbness will go away. Sure, I feel slightly sad that I’m like this. But, for the most part, I feel nothing. What’s the point? What’s the use in trying? Nothing makes me happy, nothing brings me joy.
I found a purpose for my life, I know what I want to accomplish. Yet, what’s the point? I want a family and a loving husband one day. But, what’s the point? I know I need to work on myself, I need to break this cycle. What’s the damn point?
I saw a video just a little bit ago. It describes life with depression. At the end, it said two things can happen. One, you reach out and get help. Two, you attempt suicide.
The point for me, is to not attempt suicide. That’s not how I want to go. I don’t want to leave that pain behind. I don’t want to die. But, what’s the point in continuing this life? What’s the point in doing nothing all day. Sure, I could get out and go to a coffee shop, but what’s the point?
This is the moment when I fight to not lay in bed all day. Yes, I’m just sitting on my patio all day, but for me, it’s not giving up. Sitting on my patio is me trying to hang on. I may not know the point, I may refuse to see the point, but I will hang on until I find it.
I will keep writing, it’s the only thing that keeps me alive. I will keep looking at inspiring photos on Pinterest, with hopes it’ll inspire me to get off my ass. It’s cloudy today, I’m thankful I got to see that. I love cloudy days. Soon, I will have packages arriving that will have things in them to decorate my patio with. Maybe that’ll help me feel again.
I know I’ll feel again. I know this is just a phase of depression. And I know, for a fact, there is a point to all of this. Somewhere out there is a reason I am still fighting this battle. There is a reason I haven’t given up, I won’t give up. Even if it’s just to see another cloudy day.