I need your hand to hold, I need your eyes locked on mine. I need to hear the words “you’re going to be okay, I’ve got you.”
I’m not a desperate person. I’m not a sad human being. But, I am struggling and in this darkness, I need some extra bravery that I don’t have. I need you by my side, to see me through this.
Oh, how much easier it would be to have you here. To walk into the other room and just throw my arms around you, rest my head on your shoulder. I’d be honest with you, I’d tell you step by step the exact thoughts I had and why they’re scaring me. I might even be able to cry if I had you around. At least then, if I fell apart I’d know someone would be around to make sure I make it out alive.
When I got through crying, I’d ask you if you wanted to have a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette. You’d roll your eyes and laugh, because no matter if something is good or bad, I must have coffee and a cigarette to follow. Or during. Also, before. That sounded dirty. Sorry. Not what I meant. Coffee remains innocent.
But, no. We’re not there just yet. Which is okay. It’s realistic. Normally, I don’t need a knight in shining armor. Normally, I’m perfectly content being my own hero. But tonight, it weighs heavily on me. I can feel it in my arms, my back. My muscles are tight and my nerves are shot.
I can’t shake this feeling, this feeling that the nightmare actually happened. I feel so alone, so empty. I almost feel as though I was actually treated in this way. I’m sick to my stomach, my mind is a blur.
I’m on the edge of panic, I don’t know for sure whether or not I’ll cross into it. I might just keep it all bottled up. That’s not healthy, I know it, but I can’t talk to anyone. No one is physically here for the words to leave my mouth. They don’t carry the same relief as when they’re typed in a text message.
I guess, truth is, I don’t need your hand to hold. But, I want it. To be able to feel that someone has my back, to know I’m safe when I can’t even trust my own mind. How amazing must that feeling be.
I want to ask you to just come over, be with me. We don’t have to say a word, we don’t have to do a thing. It’s just be nice to know that I’m not alone in this. I guess, maybe, all I need is a hug. And some hot tea. And some peace. For now, I’ll settle for my lukewarm cofffee and cigarettes.