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In A Bad Mood


I’m feeling rebellious. I feel like I need my black eyeshadow and some sky high heels. I feel cuss words and middle fingers calling my name. I want to listen to Halestorm and enjoy my bad attitude. 

My mom called, I was rude. I didn’t feel sorry. I haven’t had this teenage rebellious attitude in a while. Is it because my Netflix binge watching got interrupted? Is it because my dog has to constantly be touching me? Maybe I’ve just gone too long without any excitement. 

But then, I begin to wonder. Is this a sign of my newly identified Bipolar ll Disorder? Is this the beginning of a manic episode? Am I irritable because of my illness or because I’m just feeling a natural human emotion? I’m beginning to question everything now. 

Can I control this attitude? Or is it something out of my control? How long will it last? I’ve been easily irritated for weeks now. Off and on. I never used to yell at my dog, but I find myself getting angry with him. Is this how my mania starts? What’s going to happen to me? 

I’m not currently in an episode of mania or depression. I know that. I’m not super happy, cleaning and active. But I’m also not belittling myself and feeling totally worthless. A little worthless, but not completely. I feel stuck in this phase. I don’t know how to function when I’m here. This time between episodes, I’m lost. 

I will try to finish my Netflix binge watching. Maybe I’ll have enough energy to clean something. I don’t know. I just wonder how long it’ll be until I realize what my mania and Depressive Episodes are. 

-Liz

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