When you’re seeing a psychiatrist, it can be so easy to just nod your head agree with what they say. They must know best, right? So, you start a new medication and you suffer for the month in between your appointments. On the edge of suicidal, feeling emotionless, and having your family worry about you.
I want to make it clear, it is okay to say “no.” I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week, I just moved up my appointment to today. One week. And I know I’m not okay. I called my dad and he was so worried about me that he wanted to drive me to the hospital. I was talking as if there was no point in continuing my life. For the first time, the thought of death didn’t scare me. It sounded peaceful.
I’ve been on an antipsychotic for a little over a month, now. The first week was absolutely heaven. For the first time in years, I had been myself. I felt like a child again. I was so happy. And then, it took that away from me. It leveled out and left me in hell.
My description of hell on earth isn’t being depressed. It isn’t being sad all the time. When I’m depressed, there’s still fight in me. There’s anger that keeps me going. No, hell on earth is a bunch of nothingness. No emotions, no cares, no worries, no meaning, just a flat line of absolutely nothing. That, that is my hell. I’d rather have anxiety attacks daily and be put through mental abuse again than to experience one more day of this hell. Because, at least then I’m feeling.
I know the numb is bad when I don’t even see the point in self harm. Usually, I would do it to make myself feel something again. I couldn’t even see the point in feeling anything, I’m not even sure I would have felt the knife. All I could do was lay there on the sofa.
In a desperate attempt for help, I called my dad. I began crying and got frustrated when there was nothing he could do to help me. I needed someone to pull me out of the nothingness. But in reality, no one could really do that.
So, with this having been my past week, I’m going to my psychiatrist and saying, “no more.” Antipsychotics may just not be for me. Maybe they are, but I need a break. I can’t continue trying new medication after new medication right now. I’m not mentally strong enough at the moment. I don’t have anyone living with me to make sure I survive. I don’t have anyone calling to check up on me to make sure I’m still breathing. Yes, I have a friend who knows my every thought, but even then it gets too much for her to handle. It just isn’t fair.
If you’re worn out by medication, you just can’t see continuing with this path, it’s okay. Talk to your doctor, ask if you can take a break for a while. Stand up for yourself, be your voice. And if you can’t, ask if someone who is important to you can go with you. Help you have a voice. Be strong. Be brave.