mental health, Uncategorized

Not Anymore

I’m not going to do this anymore. I’m not going to let you dictate how I spend my life. You are no longer in control, you no longer have any power. It’s all me, it’s all God, and it’s all my family. 

I may stumble sometimes. I did today. I let your words get to me and I laid on the sofa feeling sorry for myself for hours. I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t want to suffer, but fighting off your words took time. 

“You are the problem.”

Who am I talking to? Well, my previous abusers, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and my Bipolar ll. 

Mainly, I’m talking to my longest running abuser who refuses to take responsibility for her actions. She denies every treating me poorly. He denies standing by and watching. For anyone unaware, this is part of the mental/emotional abuse. So, I was shown it was still continuing. 

When they deny having ever treated you poorly, their intent is to get you to doubt your own mind. Can you trust the memories? Did it actually happen? Maybe I am the problem? Did I do something to deserve to be treated that way? 

When you suffer from PTSD, it makes all those questions worse. It brings up every memory. It gets you doubting everything, maybe I am just over dramatic and making all of this up. 

Believe in yourself. Know that you are not wrong. If you feel you have been abused, that your feelings/space has been violated, then it’s true. Even if they didn’t mean to do it, it happened. Don’t let them convince you that the way you feel is not valid. All of your emotions are important. 

So, for me, I’m taking a stand for myself. I let myself have the time I needed to dwell on what happened, that was healthy. But I chose not to unpack and live there. That’s the important lesson of all of this. 

Even if you don’t feel like doing a damn thing, you can’t even imagine getting up, force yourself to. Start by sitting somewhere different. I moved from my sofa to my dining room table. Then, do something small but either gets you active or thinking. For me, I wrote this. Next, I’ll do the dishes. After that, I’ll see what else I can handle at the moment. Take it one step at a time. It’s worth it. 

Never give up on yourself. Trust those you consider family, even if they aren’t blood related. Be there for yourself, and let others be there for you as well. You got this shit. 



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