I feel like I’m constantly making lame excuses. I feel like I’m blaming everything on my Bipolar ll or my medication. But, I’m not making an excuse. Im trying to tell you the reasoning behind the pain I’m suffering. Im trying to help you understand. I’m afraid to tell you the reasons, fearful that you’ll just see it as a self pitying excuse. I need you to listen.
There are things I want others to understand, things that are not in my control. Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar ll I’ve become increasingly aware of how many people don’t take this seriously, how many people have no clue what it is.
I don’t want to spend all my money. I don’t want to have to worry about how I will pay my bills this month. I can’t stand when I start getting packages in the mail, they go weeks unopened because of the shame I feel. But, when my Disorder is not being treated properly, I buy and I spend. Usually, I can make sure my bills are at least paid first, but not this month. I spent this month’s budget before the month began.
I can’t tell my grandma, who is supporting me, that I couldn’t control this. She won’t understand. She won’t get the concept that this is a symptom of a mental illness. Not only that, but it’s what I watched my mother do every day growing up. It’s normal to me. I don’t want to be this way, but I just can’t help it.
I can’t tell my family that I started a fight with them on purpose. Not because I wanted to, but because I was feeling so irritated. I needed a reason to feel the way I was feeling. They won’t get that.
People don’t understand the actions that come along with mental illness. They think we can still control what we do, but we can’t. Our actions aren’t a result of our logical thinking, but a result of feelings and emotions taking control. We act impulsively. We act foolishly. We are ashamed of ourselves.
Please, understand that I do not mean to hurt you. I do not mean to push you away or cause any harm. I do not want to do those things. However, sometimes I can’t stop it. Please, be understanding. Know that it is my illness, not me.