take a year to figure out my life.
Stay home all day.
Not get out of bed.
Lay on the sofa all day.
Drink coffee all day.
Not have a job.
Be supported by someone else.
Not have a care in the world.
Really? You wish you could have my life? Well then, please, take it. Because I’m getting to the point where I can’t stand it anymore.
For the past 6 months, I’ve been in my own little mental hospital I’ve created for myself. I’ve got self help books all over my apartment. Journals full of keeping track of my mental health. I’ve got lists and goals written out that are eating away at me. I have premade food in my fridge because cooking a whole meal is just too difficult. My closet floor is no longer visible due to all of the laundry.
I’m stressed out and miserable all the time. I don’t know who I will be from one day to the next. Add trying new medication to that and I don’t even recognize myself on some days. It’s a scary world, this mental health world. And I’m here alone. I’ve got no roommates, I’ve got my dog and friends that live far away. I’m in pain, but I keep that hidden.
I can’t work right now, I’m not reliable. I’m easily overwhelmed. One day, I’ll be perfectly fine. The next, I can’t get off the sofa. I can’t just call into a job and tell my boss, “my Bipolar and depression is acting up pretty badly, I need to stay home today.” I’d be fired for being lazy because my illness is not on the same level socially as a physical illness. Some people can still function normally while I sometimes cannot.
There are days I can’t process information. Having someone tell me something can be overwhelming. I have days when I just zone out and stare at a wall, nothing going on in my mind. Then there are days when I begin to cry because I can’t get my mind to just stop for a second.
Please, stop wishing you had my life. It’s not a happy one at the moment. I know one day it will be and I’ll be thankful for this part. But, it’s not all sunshine and sunflowers. It’s not all Netflix binge watching and chocolate. Okay, it’s a lot of chocolate right now because I get sent a huge box of it, but still. It’s not exciting, it’s dull and it’s full of hard work. You never realize how hard working on yourself is until you dedicate all your time to bettering yourself.
Please, don’t think I’m lazy. Don’t think I don’t care or that I’m spoiled. I’m struggling, I’m trying.