There’s a Bump in the Road

There’s a major flaw in my plan for recovery. I found it last night. And I’m heartbroken. Sure, life never goes as planned, but I was so certain this would go perfectly. 

Yesterday, I finished enrolling in school. I was so excited. However, that is until I found out the price of just one class. One little class for one semester at a community college costs $1,000. My past has caught up with me. 

I’ve finally settled on a goal. I want to become a therapist. And now, that goal seems damn near impossible. Why? Because I’ve failed school countless times. I haven’t cared in the past, I had no reason to believe in myself, no support. I wasn’t strong enough. And now that I am, I’ve already wasted my chances. 

I was angry last night. I had been in a good mood, I had felt accomplished for the first time in God knows how long. Then, I got the news that I would probably not be returning to school, I could possibly do online classes if I’m lucky. My heart sank. I wanted to cry. I almost did, but as with my habits I kept myself from being alone in my living room crying. I am thankful I did not follow through with the urge to self harm. 

Luckily, I finally have someone in my life that gets it. And he helped me overcome my pain. He helped me to move past and get out of my head. He helped me smile again. 

But, what do you do when there’s a major bump in the road to recovery? To your future? Unfortunately, I’ve never been in this position before. I’ve almost always had whatever I wanted handed to me on a silver platter. I’m grateful for all that has been done for me, I’m not the least bit a spoiled bitch. But, it caused me to never learn how to work for anything. I don’t know the feeling of working hard for something and finally getting it. I’ve never done that before. And I want to, so badly. 

So, I will look into online classes and hopefully find one. I will start looking for part time jobs and hopefully find a decent one. I’m ready to get back into life. I’m ready to smile again on my own. I’m ready to make my own money again. I’m ready to adult. 



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