Right now, I’m currently in what they call a “mixed state.” This could be due to my Bipolar type ll, or could be caused by my medication. Either way, a mixed state is the perfect way to describe my current phase of bipolar.
What is a mixed state?
A mixed state is somewhere in between hypomania and a Depressive Episode. In other words, it’s both good feelings and bad. Fighting. Constantly. Between episodes, some people experience normalcy. I, however, am experiencing a mixed episode. This is my first time ever being aware of it, and it’s confusing the hell out of me. It’s a constant battle between the good in life, and the meaningless feelings in life. Towards the end of the day, the meaniningless feelings tend to take over more. I become less strong than I was earlier in the day, I’m exhausted from fighting off the bad. I can handle a mixed episode pretty well on my own. There are times I need help, but much of the time I’m okay.
There’s no telling what will come next. I can’t garuntee that it’ll be hypomania, it may be depression. Hell, I don’t even know how long this mixed state will last. But they’re all coming and going on their own time. And in case the next phase happens to be depression, I’m letting you know now, I need your help.
When I fall back into depression (I will, that’s just a fact of my illness) I’m going to need your love and support. I’m going to need someone to make sure I’ve eaten, someone to make sure I’ve gotten out of bed. I’m going to need a friend to call and check up on me, maybe even pray with me. I’m going to need help, I’m going to need you.
When I’m depressed, I can’t do much on my own. Hell, I do good to make it outside to smoke a cigarette. I stop taking my dog on walks, I stop eating, I start chain smoking more, I start living solely off of coffee. It’s not healthy. I can’t draw, write, or even sing. Even though I know all of those things would help me. I can’t keep my eyes open, if you spend time with me you’ll see a real life zombie. I hate myself when I feel this way, I see no good. It convinces me I’m alone, that no one will help. It convinces me no one cares, even though you just told me you do.
So, the next time I feel depressed, please be kind. I’ve noticed these Depressive Episodes tend to get worse with time. Suicidal thoughts have appeared where they used to never be. Self harm seems like a pretty and beautiful escape. Even now, in a mixed state, just the mention of self harm seems so enticing. I’m going to need your help.
Keep me positive through this right now. Keep me going strong. But when I start to get desperate, hateful, numb, and pitiful, know that it is not me. It is my illness.