While being on the right medication has made a world of difference, there’s one little thing I can’t get past. My medication makes me think clearly, it makes me not want to harm myself, it allows me to get out of bed, and it’s helping me start to live again. But that one little thing, I don’t know how to deal with it.
I’ve always been terrible at releasing my emotions in a healthy way. I was never taught how to do so. I was yelled at when I started to have an anxiety attack. When I was anything but content, I was doing something wrong. It was not acceptable to go to someone else with your struggles. Between my parents not validating my emotions and my high school friends not believing me, I learned to release emotions in toxic ways.
So far my biggest struggle with medication is how to release the feeling of anxiety. I can almost constantly feel it bubbling up under my skin. It’s there, but I can’t have an attack. My medication keeps me from reaching my “crazy.” And while I’m somewhat thankful for that, I’ve begun to miss my attacks. I miss crying and letting it all out. I miss hyperventilating and feeling like I’m not in control. It’s odd, you’d think I wouldn’t miss it. I don’t understand.