For the past week, things have seemed to be pretty great. I’ve been in a great mood, I’ve been cleaning, and things have been looking up. I realized the other day that this was due to the fact I’m currently in a hypomania episode. Which, I thought was great. But it turns out, hypomania comes with its own struggles.
It has anxiety of its own, it has bouts of depression of its own, it has sadness and anger of its own. It has ADD of its own.
Hypomania causes me to have too many grand ideas all at once. That feel like they have the urgency to need to be done, all at once. Drop everything. Do them now. But that’s impossible as I can’t prioritize these ideas. Not at all. Having these thoughts and ideas caused me to just sit down and cry yesterday. I never cry.
I was angry, frustrated, helpless, and sad. I couldn’t control my own mind. I fought long and hard, it stuck around. I was crying and the thoughts going through me head were, “Why me? Why can’t my mind function normally? Why can’t I do all these great things I think up? Where would I be if I could just pick one thing and pour my heart into it? I’d probably be making a living off of my blog and doing what I love right now.”
I’ve got no answers to these questions. Except, my mind makes me who I am. I am not my mental illness, it is something that is apart from me. Not apart of me.