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Learning As I Go


Before the Christmas weekend, I was convinced my hypomania phase was coming to a screeching hault. I was crying randomly, sad, and thinking about self harm again. What I didn’t realize is that you can be going trough a hypomanic episode and still have depressive thoughts. 

For the first time in, 4 days I am alone. Just me and my fur baby. No boyfriend hanging with me, no family events, just me and my dog. Well, my dog is inside right now so, just me at the moment. Being alone right now has made me excruciatingly self aware. I haven’t missed being this aware of what’s going on in my mind, this caught up in my own thoughts. But, it’s a good thing. I need to check in every once in a while. 

I’ve come to the realization that I’m still in a hypomania episode. While with my boyfriend this past week I felt relatively normal, there were probably still signs of hypomania. Like, you know, constantly having to get out of the house and do things would be one of them. 

As soon as I found out I’d be alone tonight, my head began making plans. I would work on a budget for next month, I would work on my resolutions, I’d start writing that book, I’d draw, I’d plan my day tomorrow, I’d do everything in a matter of a few hours. Maybe even get some cleaning done. Well, none of that happened. I did attempt to draw, but the passion wasn’t there. 

Now, I’m sitting outside after just having taken a bath. Thank God for baths, I was about to lose my mind, up in here. I was beating myself up mentally for not accomplishing a damn thing I wanted to do. I mean, I was just so fucking excited to do those things! Why couldn’t I do them?

I don’t know why I couldn’t do them, to be honest. But I do know all that planning was my mental illness, not me. So, as myself, I went and calmed down. I accepted the fact that it was okay I did not do any of those things. And you know what? It is okay. Just because I didn’t do them doesn’t mean my day wasn’t meaningful. It was very meaningful, I spent it with my favorite person. And I wrote a damn good blog post earlier, if I do say so myself. 

-Liz

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