Today, today is a day full of halfway finished projects and a patio full of craft supplies. It’s a mind full of ideas going by so quickly I can’t hold onto one of them. Even just attempting to write this is taking so much strength today.
I need to call someone and thank them for a Christmas present, I need to clean, I need to do laundry, I need to write, I need to do everything.
I can’t do anything. All I can do is sit here and drink my coffee. I finally made an appointment with a new psychiatrist, isn’t that enough for the week? Because, that’s all I’ve accomplished.
I need to do things with my hands, simple things. I feel like a child. I can’t process important information at the moment. I can’t even begin to go through my makeup to decide what I want and don’t want. I’m a mess.
On days when I feel like this, it’s hard to see how someone could love me. I don’t have a job, I’m not in school. Today I’ve done nothing but paint a tree branch and attempt to make a shitty dream catcher. I want to draw, but I’m afraid to try. I want you to understand that I can not help this. I do not know how to help myself.
I tried taking a walk, taking a shower, those helped for a while. Now, I’m back in this place. It’s like I’m stuck on the border line of being productive and being lazy. And I can’t cross over into one. Mentally, I can’t focus. Physically, I can’t move much.
I just want to be happy. I want to be productive.
I want to be fucking normal.