Learning To Be Okay

It takes time. It takes time to accept a mental illness diagnosis. I’ve known something was wrong my whole life, it wasn’t until recently that it was confirmed. And yet, I’m still not okay with it. 

Each day I spend alone, I find myself crying at some point. If no tears actually fall, I wish whole heartedly that they would. I feel sorry for myself. It’s true. 

Why do I have to go through this? Why me? Why can’t my brain function today? Was life better without medication? At least I was able to function without medication. Now all I do is sit around wishing, just wishing to live. I no longer have it in me to go out and create a life for myself. 

I can feel my dreams fading day by day. What once used to be a powerful goal, turned simply into nothing. What once used to be a hobby, well, its long forgotten. 

I used to travel. I used to go places alone. I used to be free and wild. Now, I’m in my own little cage I created. 

How do I live again? How do I function again? The things that once depressed me no longer have a hold. So, why am I still so sad? I’m experiencing a hypomania episode, why aren’t I cleaning or happy? It’s a “good day” today, yet I still can’t function nor can I even begin to think about accomplishing anything. 

I wish someone would understand, it’s not that I don’t believe in myself but, it’s because my mind reverts back to being a child. Today, all I’ve been able to do is paint branches and rocks, draw a little. I tried cleaning my bathroom, but only made a bigger mess outside of it. 

I don’t know where to go from here. Honestly, I’m a bit lost. Life is looking up, I’ve got endless support. But, what do I need to do to feel happy with myself? Can I love myself the way I am right now, or do I have to change things in order to love myself and my life? 


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