I Can Feel It

It started with small thoughts sneaking into my mind. Then, I stopped doing my makeup, wearing cute clothes, and I stopped cleaning. 

I haven’t put my clean clothes away in a week. There’s a mess on my bedroom floor that I can’t seem to keep cleaned up. And everything is just so slightly out of place in my apartment that it’s annoying. My kitchen is clean, though!

What I’m saying is, I’m noticing the signs that depression has arrived. Its not yet fully consuming me, hopefully it won’t. But, it’s here, haunting me. I’m beginning to physically feel it. 

I’ve learned coping strategies, written in journals, I’ve done plenty of things to have the knowledge to keep this Depressive Episode at bay. But, that doesn’t always mean that I’ve got all the right weapons and soldiers to fight with. Just like medication, it takes the right combination to defeat depression. But I’m going to fight like hell. 

What I’ve come to learn is that you have to fight depression, and keep fighting it until you can no longer move. Every minute of every day you need to actively be telling depression, “no.” If you don’t, you may stumble. I plan to fight until I can’t any longer. Fight until I can no longer get out of bed. Fight until all my fight is gone. 

Depression is tough, sure. But I believe I am tougher. See, depression has been here before and I’ve beat it before. I’m not going to sit down and accept that this is what’s going to happen. I don’t want to lose life again, I want to continue living it. I’m not yet ready to give up. 


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