mental health, Uncategorized

At War (with Bipolar Depression)

This post begins the series, At War. I will be bringing you with me into my battles against Bipolar Disorder (depression and mania), Anxiety, and PTSD. 


As I began my day on Friday, I looked forward with optimism. Friday was going to be a good day. I didn’t have much to do, I created a lot to do for myself, though. Most of my days begin with a great attitude. I wake up to the hottest, sweetest man ever and I get to enjoy coffee with him. It’s out special time together, just us. Then I take him to work and we begin our days. 


Of course, I start my day with one, of many, pots of coffee. Since I also deal with anxiety, and I take stimulants, I found it best to drink half caf coffee. However, my first pot is almost always regular just because I need it to make sure I’m awake enough at 5:30am to drive my man to work. 


When I get home begins the day’s routine. Around 7am I take my first two little pills. An antidepressant and an ADD medication. The antidepressant no longer works on its own, and the ADD medication is for the racing thoughts I get, they worsen with Mania. 


Then, around 8am (on good days) I begin to get ready. Today, I’m choosing to write this before getting ready for my day. Friday, I felt good enough in the morning to actually do my makeup. 

Full on contouring signals a great mood.


I did a full face of makeup, even applying some false eyelashes. Doing this means I actually enjoyed time to do my makeup, it benefitted myself to raise my mood and make me feel more confident. When I’m depressed, I don’t feel like doing my makeup at all. So it’s always a good sign when I look well put together.


After my makeup it was time for walk number one with my fur baby. Unfortunately, it was the only walk we got on Friday. 

Walking gets me moving, which gets me happy.


I usually do this before getting ready, but I like to plan my days. Especially since I’m home alone 90% of the time, it makes me feel like I actually have things to do. When I’m in a good mood, it motivates me. When I’m depressed, it haunts me. Sometimes, I start out motivated and then my mood shifts and it no longer benefits me anymore. 


Not shortly after writing my to do list, my grandma called. For the most part, it was a good conversation. That is, until the subject of school came up. She mentioned how my cousin, who has been facing depression as well, has gone back to school and is doing good. While hearing that makes me happy, it also broke my heart. I was wanting to start school back this semester, however the price of classes were too high. Or, at least that’s what I thought the reasoning was. As it turns out, my grandma actually doesn’t trust or believe in me to do it. I don’t blame her. See, when I was in community college I lived with my emotionally abusive mother so, I was always challenged and distracted. No one but me understood why I couldn’t get through school. Then, once I was on my own, I faced mental illness and could not stick with a job or school. As well as one time living with an emotionally abusive boyfriend, there was no place for me to succeed. I think I might make a post out of discussing this soon. 


After crying, I was exhausted. I no longer had the energy to accomplish anything and my depression was let in a bit further. Crying doesn’t make you weak, but sometimes an event that saddens you can weaken your walls against depression. My day changed in this moment. 


Attempting to get back into a better mood, I decided to take a hot shower. My hair needed washing and my makeup was ruined anyways. It did boost my mood slightly, and the warm water felt comforting.


I blow dried my hair, put on some new makeup, threw on some heels and headed out of the door. The best thing to do when depression begins to hit is to change your surroundings. I understand how this seems impossible after depression has full on taken over, but while you’ve still got strength it can help greatly. 

Even though I was still upset, looking up together helped my confidence.


I highly recommend going someplace that calms you and makes you feel happy. A place you can relax at. For me, I chose Target! I actually went there because I had to buy some bed sheets but, it worked. Also, probably not the best idea to go shopping at Target alone when you’re feeling depression sneak up, but I did fairly well at only getting a small amount of things. 


When I got home, I decided it was time to take some action against my mental health. I created a new mental health bullet journal (blog post coming soon) and I read up on my illnesses in some books on depression, anxiety, and bipolar ll. 


After some time, I tried that whole, moving around so Depression can’t catch you thing. I started to clean. My bedroom was a mess, and partially adding to my stress and depression. 


I didn’t clean up the whole room, but I got it looking a bit better. Warren seems to enjoy it!


That little bit of cleaning exhausted me. I was done for. All I wanted to do was nap, even when it came time to get ready to pick up my boyfriend, I still just wanted to nap. All my physical energy was gone. I was tired, sad for no reason, and I had taken a bath in which I cried my eyes out. 


Eventually, I got up and touched up my makeup. I went and picked up my boyfriend and we got tacos, my happy food. I love him. When feeling depressed, it’s best not to always isolate yourself so, I’m glad this guy is in my life for times when I just can’t do it anymore. 

-Liz

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