It Takes Courage



For some people, things come easy.  Not that they don’t work their butts off, but that working their butts off comes easy.  For people with mental illnesses, things aren’t always that easy.  Not at all.  There’s things I want to work towards, but they seem like huge mountains to climb, even bigger than the sink full of dirty dishes mountain, and that one is giant.

People’s advice for this would be to break it down, one step at a time.  My response to them? “Yeah, I’ll try that.” What I’m thinking? “Are you fucking kidding me?! You don’t think I’ve tried that? I don’t have the mental capability to break things down smaller, its all or nothing, it’s be perfect at the start or not at all.”

To be honest, maybe I’m holding myself back on purpose.  By not making money from my blogging and by not having hundreds of readers, I’m able to stay as honest as possible, I’m able to stay in my comfort zone.  I like it here, there’s no pressure to have certain posts done on certain days, there’s no plans.  It’s just me and my words, it’s just me and my time.  If I have time to do something, then I’ll do it.  If I have a spur of the moment idea, it’s okay if it turns out to be shit and I don’t post it.

Sure, I’d like there to be structure.  I’d like to have deadlines and a planner full of blog to dos, I’d love to make this my business.  But, then maybe it won’t be enjoyable anymore.  Maybe then it’d become work. I don’t want to ruin my writing by it becoming work.  But, how the hell else am I going to earn my own money? I mean, it seems like the only thing I can actually do lately is to write.  Even on my bad days, my pieces aren’t that bad.

Writing is what my soul loves to do.  It comes as naturally to me as breathing.  Sure, I’m not the best at it, but I like to think I’m pretty damn good.  And I have a lot to say.  I could look at my blog, and think about how few readers I have and say it’s not worth it.  But deep down, I know my words reach people that need to hear them.  There are people out there that can relate to even this post.  A post that is simply me just bitching about the fact that anxiety and depression are holding me back.

I’m 22 years old. I don’t have a job, my grandparents support me fully, I don’t honestly believe in myself, and I spend most of my days at my apartment driving myself crazy.  I go to bed at 7 or 8pm every damn night.  I don’t hardly ever go out anymore, and honestly, I don’t have many friends anymore.  I’ve got my boyfriend and his sister.  No one else reaches out to me, no one else seems to miss that I’m gone.  I haven’t heard from the majority of them since Thanksgiving. Damn, I need tacos now.

While my life may be at a stand-still at the moment, I hold on to the hope that there is in fact a future for me.  Whether it be a family, a career, or a life of travel, I know things won’t stay like this for long. Right now may not be the time to make things happen for myself, I may need to wait a bit longer.  One day, though, I will be where I’ve dreamt of being.  Hopefully.



A Cold And Rainy Morning

As someone with anxiety, I don’t handle changes to my plans or routines well. Sometimes, I even shut down completely. That’s what I’m trying to not let happen today. 

I drove my boyfriend to his work, to find out he doesn’t have to work today. As happy as I am that I get another day with him, it changed all my plans. Probably not as badly as I think, but it’s a change to what my mind had thought today would go like. Now, I don’t know what to do with myself. 

I could just go with the flow, but that’s difficult to do right now as I’m fighting fighting off depression as well. 

Who knows how today will go, hopefully I don’t lie in bed all day. But if i do, there’s always tomorrow. 


Mornings Are For Me

It can take hours, maybe even all day for my mind to catch up to my body. That’s why mornings are now so special to me. My time to relax and wake up, no pressure other than to just sit here and enjoy my coffee. These are the moments I love. 

I try not to think about the day ahead, but it can be challenging. I’ve already got a to do list a mile long in my head. I try to ignore it for now, but the weight of is is holding me down. 

All I want is another lazy day away from the negativity. But, I’ve got a lot on my plate today. Thankfully, some of it involves getting out of the house which is usually very helpful for me. 

I’ll try to take today as it comes, one thing at a time. 


You’ve Got to Force Me

So, there’s this art festival in old town tonight and I’ve really wanted to go for the past couple days. We had plans to go tonight, but now I’m just not feeling it. Thanks, depression and social anxiety. 

See, today we were out from 9am until like, 2pm. I’m socially exhausted. And I just want to sit at home and do nothing. But, that also makes me want to cry. Because, it’s not truly me that wants to do nothing, it’s my depression. 

I’ve been talking about how this whole depression thing is a huge pit that I can either fall into or walk around. Well, me not going would be like dangling on the edge. It’d be a regret weighing me down helping me to fall. By going, I’m getting up, holding my boyfriend’s hand, and starting the journey around this never ending pit of darkness. 

I choose to be strong tonight. I choose to look damn good doing it, too. I should have bought those heels at Goodwill today. Anyway, I’m going to rock tonight, tonight will be my night. I’ll try and document it for you, but the purpose is to live in the moment. 


I Don’t Feel Guilty 

Right now, my boyfriend is doing the dishes that I could not do yesterday. Normally, this would make me feel extremely guilty. But not today, no, not today.

He works hard, comes home, and has to pick up the slack of things I couldn’t do. So, why am I not feeling guilty? 

Because I’m accepting that right now, I’m depressed. I’m not being hard on myself, I’m taking it easy until I find my way around the dark pit. I’ve got a journey ahead of me, and I need to be kind to myself. Yes, he shouldn’t have to work and come home then do the things I couldn’t, but he understands and he doesn’t mind. 

So, today I’ll do what I can and enjoy what I can. And when I can’t do something, I’ll be okay with it. 


I Will Survive

Today is Friday. Just one more day until I’m not alone all day. I just have to survive today. And I can do it. You can do it, too. 

I know what it’s like to feel depression slipping back into your life. It’s like you’re walking along a flat surface then, all of a sudden, there’s a cliff and you stop. Toes right on the edge. You look down and you see the familiar dark pit of depression. You don’t want to fall, falling is the scariest part because you’re still there. You know once you fall, it’ll be a hard landing but, there’s pillows and blankets down there to comfort you once you get the strength to crawl over to them. Although, those pillows and blankets end up chaining you down and you can’t move. It’s comforting, yet, uncomfortable. It’s an odd combination. You never know when you’ll be able to escape those chains, and you don’t want to go through that again. 

So, you stand there, tears flowing down your face. Your friend is standing at a distance, telling you, “focus on the other side, make a path around the pit.” But, you can’t see the other side and that scares you even more. You’re more tempted to just fall because, at least you know it’s there. Who knows what lies on the other side? But, maybe that’s where faith comes in. 

You’ll sit down, hang your legs over the edge and wait. Filling your time up with your favorite tv shows and food. Maybe a few cigarettes because you’re still a little scared. Eventually, your significant other will walk up to you and sit with you. Holding your hand. But, they can’t move you. They can’t keep you from falling, and they may sit there and watch as you fall. 

Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll have the strength to stand up and they’ll stand up with you. Still holding on. And you’ll both begin to walk along the edge until you find the end. It may take a day, it may take weeks, but you’ll find it. You may even have to sit down and rest, hanging your feet over the edge again. They may have to walk away to take care of themselves, but they’ll be back. Some parts you may even have to walk alone. You’ll be okay. 

I’m going to have faith. Have faith that on the other side of this pit lies flowers and sunshine. Roses for miles. Trees so tall they bring all the shade you could need. I’m going to be dreaming of this place, knowing that one day I’ll make it there. Whether I have to walk around the pit, or climb back out of it, I’ll make it there. 


A Break From Illness

Today, I’m taking a break. I’m taking a break from being hard on myself, from hating myself, from forcing myself to do things, from feeling guilty about napping, and from all the other little negative things in my mind. 

I’m taking a break from depression. 

Depression isn’t a part of my day today, not at all. Today, I will do simple little things I enjoy like watching Netflix and reading books. I will escape life in healthy and happy ways. I will be kind to myself, loving, and letting myself rest. 

The hardest part of all of this is for me to be okay with it. I’m always so much harder on myself than anyone knows. I can’t bear the days when I want to do things, but I just can’t. I can’t stand those moments when I just can’t process information. 

Today, today is a day for me. I don’t know what all I’ll do, but I’ll enjoy it. 


Coffee, Fritos, and Gilmore Girls

Some days recovery from depression looks like false eyelashes, high heels, and getting shit done. Other days, it looks like curling up in a ball on the floor, tears of mascara falling down your face, and desperately seeking answers and inspiration in your favorite books and tv shows. 

Yesterday, was false eyelashes. Today, was curling up on the floor. Yeah, that’s right. I hit my knees, lowered my head, and asked God to just help me as tears rolled down my face. I couldn’t find a book I wanted to read, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t find Breakfast at Tiffany’s, the dogs were fighting, and people upstairs sounded like they were about to tear down the damn place! Of course I cried! I had control over nothing. 

Then, by some miracle, I was able to watch Netflix on my phone and, of course, chose the lovely Gilmore Girls as my place of escape. Nothing inspires me more than traveling to Stars Hallow and being reminded that life is a mess. But, there’s humor in everything. And coffee. 

I was watching one of the new episodes, one where Rory takes an unpaid job at the Stars Hallow Gazette. It was enough inspiration to get me out of bed and out onto my patio to write this. 

I’m where I need to be at the moment. As much as I want a “normal life” I know I couldn’t handle one right now. Just the dogs barking and people being loud upstairs is enough to make me cry. And that’s okay. Because right now, I’m growing. There will be something to learn from all of this. There will be something I can look back and say, I’m thankful for the time off I took. 

My biggest challenge right now is to not run away. All I want to do is pack my bags and get on a plane. Travel, escape my life. But, I know that’s not possible. It’s not where I need to be at the moment. For some reason, I need to be here at home. I need to be writing my stories and celebrating the life I’ve lived thus far. 

One day, I’ll have a job. One day, I’ll have a family. One day, just one day. But I can’t handle all that right now. And that’s okay. It’s okay. It’s all okay. 


Freedom Through Acceptance

Yesterday, I found freedom from my depression. Sure, it’s another battle all over again today to reach that freedom once more, but it’s worth it. 

Many of us can be very hard on ourselves for having depression. I thought I was fighting when really, I was just putting myself down. Things went through my head like, “why can’t you just get off your ass and do something? What’s wrong with you, you’re lazy.”

It was more than a week of this thinking driving me crazy. I was moody and irritable and just not pleasant at all. 

Then, I realized, it’s all okay. Depression is something that happens to me. Whether it be because of medication change or because of cycling depression, it happens. I needed to accept that. And by doing that, I was able to lower my expectations of myself. 

My new goals are to get ready for the day, and to do at least one thing that needs to be done. Whether it’s call and make an appointment sooner with my psychiatrist, or something as simple as clean off the table. Just one thing. 

Yesterday, by lowering my expectations and accepting that I just don’t have it in me right now to do the things I want, I was actually able to do the dishes and to finally hang up some of my photography. I was so happy I did these things and even though I had a rough day, that happiness carried over to when my boyfriend got home. 

Today, my Acceptance looks like a nap, some writing, and lots of coffee. Maybe I’ll take a bath or shower. Who knows. But, I’m not going to be down on myself for not being able to do the things I want. Because they’ll come in time. 


It’s In The Little Things

It’s the little things that let you know you’re going to be okay. It’s the feeling of joy even after having a difficult day. 

This morning started out with my big fur baby having a big accident on the bedroom carpet. Then, I just felt like shit because of it. I lost all motivation. I was so hard on myself, angry with myself for feeling this way. 

I learned something today, though. You’ve got to accept that when you’re depressed, you can’t do everything you want to, and it’s OKAY. Its totally normal and acceptable. Set small goals for yourself like getting out of bed, showering, brushing your teeth, and making coffee (or tea). If you accomplish those, you’re living. You’re surviving this darkness. 

After I accepted the fact that it’s okay I didn’t do much, that’s when I felt a weight lift off of me and I was able to do things. I didn’t expect this, I expected to go lay down on the sofa and nap! But, no. Instead, I was able to do dishes and even set up my printer so I can print my photos. It made me so happy that I finally did some things. I can’t tell you the joy I felt after a week of being told I can’t do shit by some voice other than my own. 

I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I don’t know if I’ll be the same, better, or worse. But I’ll be alive and that’s all I can ask for. Another day of air in my lungs and my heart beating.