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Lately


I want to update you all on how I’ve been doing lately. Yesterday, I had a minor breakdown and actually just cried because I needed to cry. I feel much better after releasing those emotions and am finally able to tell you what I’ve been going through. 

Intrusive thoughts. That’s what I’ve been suffering from this past week. They continued to get worse as days went on. They’re not as drastic as some experience nor, as I’ve had in the past. A lot of time, people say their intrusive thoughts are about violence and suicide. While I’ve experienced that before, this was more of a nagging negative voice that would not leave my mind alone. 

Everything was pointless, it told me. Nothing was worth it. There was no meaning to anything. So, why bother? 

I couldn’t do something as simple as play video games. Suddenly, I wanted to get my blog in order yet, why bother? I couldn’t do a damn thing, nothing mattered. I couldn’t work on my recovery, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t even sit outside and smoke a cigarette. All I could do was lay on the sofa, and even that was still challenging. I didn’t want to get out of bed. 

I tried all my relaxing tricks, nothing helped. It was all useless. 

Then, I began to cry. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself, I was just frustrated. I felt as if I was going crazy. I couldn’t even control my own mind. I was sad for me, and sad for my boyfriend who had to deal with me. 

I walked up to him, sat down next to him, and patted him on the shoulder with tears in my eyes. Immediately, he quit his online video game and held me. Repeatedly saying, “everything is okay.” God, it felt so good to be comforted for once. No questions, no accusations, just love. He let me tell him, yet again, what my problems were. He helped me calm down. 

After that, he knew exactly what to do. He made me walk the dogs with him, to get out of my mind for a moment. Then, he bought me tacos. Tacos make me happy. I ate as much as I could of that meal, and stopped before I felt like I had a food baby. Suddenly, I was in a better mood. Someone cared enough to buy me tacos and then cuddle up to me and fall asleep. All because I was sad. 

Thanks to his help, I’m able to do things again. I started the laundry, I did the dishes and lightly cleaned the kitchen. Now, I’m writing this. I feel better, my mind is more quiet today. I have plans to clean the whole apartment,  it will be okay if I just clean up the leftover Valentine’s Day mess. I’ll try and be gentle with myself today, but thank god I can think clearly again. 

-Liz

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