This past week I learned a hard lesson, depression can not always be controlled. Even though being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I thought I was one of those people who could choose whether or not to be depressed. I thought that depression would come whenever it wanted, but I had the choice as to whether or not it would stay. Turns out, I don’t have that power. Not on my own, anyway.

For the last month my depression has gone untreated. My medication that is supposed to help my moods has obviously not helped my moods. I’ve basically been going on my own for a month now, and I can’t fight this battle alone. 

After being turned away from the hospital for not being suicidal, I gave in. I started taking my stimulants again to help ease the pain of my depression. Stimulants are normally used for ADD, however they have antidepressant benefits. And god, have they helped. 

I can look at myself in the mirror again. I can see a glimmer of light again. I no longer want to injure myself and I no longer want to hide away while the pain runs its course. But I know it’s temporary, the stimulants will wear off and I will be back to being depressed. But, it’s saving myself. It’s keeping me sane until I can go see my psychiatrist. 

When depression hits as hard as it hit me, life gets unbearable. You can’t see any hope, you feel as though it’ll last forever. It won’t, but it feels like it will. 

Together, we will beat depression. 



It’s In The Little Things

Usually when we think of self care we think of brushing our teeth, showering, and getting a good night’s rest or eating healthy. But when we’re depressed, those things can seem like way too much to handle. 

Well, self care is in the little things we do, too. It’s in the things that make us happier without even realizing it. The things that we take for granted often. You don’t have to go out of your way in order to take care of yourself. 

I challenge you to write down 10 self care things you’re doing without realizing it. Take a moment to think back on them, how does it feel to realize you actually are taking care of yourself? Be grateful. 

Here’s mine:

1. Drinking my coffee. 

Every morning, I sit outside and drink my coffee with my boyfriend. We don’t say much, we just look at Facebook and share funnt memes with each other. It’s a nice time when there is no pressure to do things or to talk. Just each other’s could company and a good cup of coffee.

I also usually spend my days drinking coffee, or at least taking coffee breaks throughout the day. It’s something I enjoy, sitting down to write or even just sitting down to enjoy the coffee.

2. Watching TV. 

I’ll be honest, I usually hate watching tv. Partially because I feel like I’m wasting time, partially because we don’t have cable and there’s never anything on. That is, unless I want to start watching Days of Our Lives and having something to talk to my mother about. But today, I sat down and watched travel shows with my boyfriend while we ate a couple snacks. It was a nice way to relax and gave us something to talk about. 

3. Naps. 

When I feel overwhelmed, the one thing I want to do is nap. It’s a great break from the world, and is required when you have depression and anxiety for some people. To just turn off the noise in our minds, it can help save us. 

4. Snacks. 

When I’m depressed, I don’t eat. So, it’s a great idea to keep little healthy snacks in the house. I sometimes go overboard and will eat the majority of the snacks in one sitting. However, that’s usually when they’re unhealthy ones. By keeping healthy snacks like popcorn (not movie theater popcorn) and salads I’m able to eat light and keep myself going. 

5. Friends. 

By this, I mean the tv show. It’s nice to check out of reality and enjoy the laughter of this show. It lifts my mood and helps me feel better. That’s about it, it’s one of my go to shows. The other being, Gilmore Girls.

6. Actual Friends. 

I’ll be honest here, I’ve lost a lot of friends recently. Between my isolation of depression and being consumed by a new relationship, I haven’t seen my friends lately. Also, quitting drinking probably had something to do with it, too. I love my friends, even the ones I no longer talk to, but the ones I do have make my days so much easier. I know I have friends in Tennessee that just want the best for me. I know I have a friend in California that will always be by my side. And I know I have my boyfriend’s sisters (who I considered my own sisters even before I met him) that will always pick me up when I’m down. Truly, my best friend in the world is one of my rocks. Without her, who knows where I’d be.

7. Thrift Stores.

I love thrift store shopping recently, mainly at Goodwill. Every other week they have half off days and I can get a shirt for like, $2. We’ve bought furniture and repainted them, we’ve bought little things here and there to make the apartment nice. It gives me something to do, and I love it. 

8. Therapy. 

Something that can start to seem routine, especially if you go often. But it’s nice to sit down and talk about how your life is going and get professional advice as to what to do next. My therapist is the best I’ve had, and he helps me to figure out what steps I should take to get back into life. Now, if only I’d listen to him every time. 

9. Writing. 

Getting my thoughts out and sharing them has made a huge impact on me. Normally, I’d keep everything bottled up. But lately, I’ve been sharing almost everything and it feels so good. I hate keeping journals because I’ll write things now and never read them again. But here, my thoughts and ideas have the power to help others and to inspire. And that means the world to me. 

10. Going To Church.

Something I haven’t done in months, but will begin again starting tomorrow. Church is a great place for inspiration for me. And I love it. I’ll be honest, I’m not always a fan of people you find at church. You know, the ones who like to pretend their lives are perfect. However, there are people there who are broken hearted sinners searching for hope, just like me. And those, those are my people. 

If you feel like it, share your 10 things in the comments! I’d love to know what you do for self care, and you might even inspire me or someone else to try something new! 


A Happy Day

I’m glad to let you all know that I’m feeling much, much better this weekend. While I’m still struggling with some parts of depression and anxiety, I’ve actually been able to do some things. 

This morning I put away my laundry that had been sitting there for two weeks and I made the bed. Sure, it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, but when you’re depressed it’s a hell of a mountain to climb.

I’m also happy to let you guys know of the good news we received yesterday. 

We will be taking a trip to Florida soon to visit my grandparents, this comes after having been in the hospital. My grandma feels it’ll be best to get out for a while and have some fun. We all need a little fun in our lives! Plus, one of the best self care things you can do is go to the beach. In my opinion, at least. 

Also, God has blessed us with a place to live once our lease is up! Something that has been causing several breakdowns this past week. And now, I can sit back and relax. It’s a tiny little townhouse, but its perfect for us. And is a roof over our heads. I’m so grateful for the friends that will be renting to us, they helped save us. I couldn’t be more excited! 

I’m so glad to be writing about some good things going on in life, especially after this past week. 

A special thank you to all my readers and friends, your support gets me through. I love the comments and I can’t wait to hear more from you all! Thank you. 


This Is What We Call Bullshit

As many of you know, I went to the hospital this morning to get help with my depression. This is not what happened. 

Apparently, my depression is not bad enough to be helped. What kind of bullshit is this? 

It’s been hell living in my mind this past week, but because I don’t want to kill myself I’m not able to get help until my psychiatrist comes back from her vacation. 

I was told to come back if I start feeling suicidal. What about before that? What about the people who don’t want to wait around until they feel like ending it all? We should be helping prevent the feeling of suicidal thoughts, not waiting until they come around. 


I Am Strong

Today, I am stronger than ever. Today, I go to the hospital to get help. 

I’ve had it thrown in my face a lot that “I need help” or, “you belong in the mental hospital.” These insults have kept me from getting the help I’ve needed for years. Actually, for most of my life. And today, I have to try and silence those insults as I drive to the hospital to get treatment. 

I’m not going to a mental health hospital as the ones around here are inpatient only. I’m going to be going to the regular hospital in hopes they can get me back on the right medication. 

Ever since I was taken off of stimulants since it turns out I don’t actually have ADD, my depression has been slipping back into my life. I noticed it, but one weekend I ignored it. And now, here I am. 

Yesterday, and so far today, haven’t been very bad. I think it’s because I know I’m going to be getting the help I need. But the days before, they were hell. I had never before completely lost myself until this week. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t see me. I only saw hatred and disgust. I hit the bathroom counter with so much force that my hand hurt the next day. I was losing control of me.

My therapist wanted me to get in contact with my psychiatrist but, she’s on a vacation. So, my only option is the hospital. Who knows if they’ll even be able to help me. Hopefully they will. 

I’m scared, but I’ve got my boyfriend by my side. He will stand by me every step of the way. I know this. 

I will be strong for myself today. I will be strong for others today. I’ll be keeping everyone updated on my Instagram account, living.positivelywild 


Keep Yourself Busy

While spending time before going to the hospital, I was told to keep myself busy, work on little projects. And the truth is, there are so many little projects I could be doing. I’ve got so much stuff around the apartment I could do. The only problem? I don’t wanna do it. And you can’t make me! 

No, truthfully, I really want to do them. I really do. I want to make pillows, I want to clean the apartment, I want to weave or cross-stitch. The only problem? I can’t find it in me to enjoy these things like I used to. Depression has stolen my joy. 

It’s probably the most frustrating part of being depressed, nothing makes you happier. All the little things you once loved, they no longer serve a purpose. Therefore, it feeds into that thinking of nothing having meaning. 

I know I’m still alive in there somewhere, I can feel joy from my writing. So, you may hear a lot from me today. It’s the only thing that keeps me going. 


And Here’s A Little Plot Twist

In keeping with stay truthful and honest, I have some news for my readers about my mental health condition. 

Currently, I am stable and thinking clearly. However, this was not the case as of yesterday and has not been the case since Monday. This is just a lull, a calm in the middle of the storm. And while I am grateful for the break, I know this is still to be taken seriously. 

As many of you know, I have not been able to function nor think clearly. I have been struggling with my self esteem greatly. Yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror and was so full of hate and disgust that it turned to rage and I hit the bathroom counter so hard that my hand hurt even as I fell asleep last night. I was in pain all day. 

I’ve been struggling greatly with feelings of worthlessness and anger. This is believed to be a depression caused by chemical issues as I’ve had my medication changed. I do not have anything currently treating my depression. 

So, to update you all, I will be headed to the hospital either tomorrow or Saturday. My doctor is currently on vacation and so my only option for help is the emergency room. I’m only waiting because I feel I am able to control myself for another day or so. 

In the meantime, I will be trying to keep myself busy doing projects and keeping in touch with close friends and family. 

I want to make it clear, while I am terrified of having to go to the hospital, it does not make me weak. It makes me stronger to accept that I need help. Do not be afraid to seek help and reach out if you are not doing well. Save yourself. 


Where Did I Go?

Has anyone seen me? Because I can’t seem to find myself anymore. 

I don’t know if this is due to being on the wrong medication, a Depressive Episode, or maybe just a lot of stress and anxiety. Whatever it is, it’s stolen me from myself and I can’t get back. 

I used to enjoy things like doing my makeup, now I can’t bear the thought of it. Anything I want to do is seen as pointless because it’ll never be “good enough.” I can’t get this thinking out of my head, and it’s killing me inside. 

To top it all off, it’s made my self esteem take a huge dive. I can’t help but think I’m the ugliest thing out there. I can’t help but feel gross and pathetic. I keep comparing myself to all those women on Pinterest and Instagram, as if anyone can actually look like that all the time. 

Yesterday, someone told me they were proud of me, that I’m inspiring. I just wanted to tell them that they messaged the wrong girl, I’m worthy of neither of those compliments. I mean, have you seen my kitchen? What about the bathroom? I’m not worthy of anything. 

I’m stuck. I’m stuck in this negative thinking trap and I can’t get out. I don’t know which way to go. Do I turn to my self help books? Do I turn to yoga? How do I get back out of this? 

Thankfully, I have a therapy appointment today. Hopefully it’ll help some. But, the real help comes not until the 22nd. It seems so far away, but I’ll make it there. I’m sure of it. 

Until then, I’ll keep fighting to stay strong. I will win this battle, I will find my way around the dark pit of depression. 


My Anxiety Sounds Like The Remodel In The Apartment Above Me

Spanish music, hammers, saws, people yelling in Spanish, loud bangs, and the sudden need for a churro. That’s what my anxiety sounds like. Except, it’s in English because I don’t speak any other language, and there’s not really any music, just noise. Banging and screeching and yelling, and the need for churros. That’s my anxiety. I just really want a churro right now. Or some fried ice cream. I need tacos. 

Anyway, my anxiety had me down for the count this morning. Sure, I looked put together, but I was falling apart on the inside. I couldn’t hold myself together. I was rocking back and forth, I was crying, I couldn’t function. Why? Because I had no idea how I was going to find another apartment to live in by May. 

I got scared, I was no longer in control of myself. I couldn’t do anything, it was like something outside of me was keeping me from doing anything but breathe. I was dying inside. I had no faith, I had no hope. I couldn’t imagine ever seeing things looking up again.

In reality, we have plenty of time to find a place. There are plenty of resources to help us. My best friend even found someone who helps with apartment searching. I’m calling him back later with the details of our unique situation. Things are looking up right now. 

I guess I’m just in that moment where things are just too good to be true. I’m happy, genuinely happy and I keep finding things to be anxious about. Apartment hunting, future school, the giant pimple on my face. Whatever it is, big or small, I will worry about it. 

Hopefully this season of anxiousness will pass and I will be able to enjoy the beautiful things I have in my life. I have so much to be grateful for. I have faith in God that things will work out. He brought me my man, He can bring us a roof over our heads. He will take care of us and that’s just something I need to have faith in. 


But I Don’t Want To Be Sick

Well, it happened. The chills, the fever, the body aches, the exhaustion. Yeah, I caught the flu from my lovely boyfriend. Thanks, babe. Love you too. 

I wish I had some good advice for when you’re sick. But, all I can tell you is to drink hot tea and honey to get rid of a cough and if you’re addicted to coffee, keep drinking it to avoid adding that headache on top of everything else that’s hurting. 

This round of the flu is so super annoying! I mean, I’m thankful I haven’t gotten “sick-sick” but, this type of flu should be called the tease. Why? Well, you’ll feel like shit for a couple hours and then suddenly, you’ll feel perfectly fine and think it’s all over. Then, boom! You’re feeling even worse than before.


Let’s face it, I’m a dramatic little baby when I’m sick because not only am I fighting off the flu, but I’m dealing with the anxiety that comes with it for me. Having the flu means having a lot of the same symptoms as a panic attack. So, you think you’re going to be sick, but then you realize it’s all just unnecessary panic and so you start calming yourself by saying that it’s all in your head, you’re okay. 

Anyway, my boyfriend only had this for like three days. So, hopefully I’ll only have it for two! I just hope I’m feeling better tomorrow because maintenance is coming to the apartment and I’ve got to deal with two dogs. Fun times.