I started this blog as a way to inspire others, to share hope, and to let others know they’re not alone. So, I felt the need to share a story I love.
Before I begin, I didn’t ask permission to write this so, I’ll be leaving out many details for respect. Thank you for understanding.
Yesterday, was a day like any day. We went and got our hair done, we went Goodwill hunting, and we painted a coffee table. However, yesterday, he was still on probation. Today, that’s a different story.
For the first time in years, Steven isn’t on probation, nor is he in prison. And I couldn’t be more proud of him. This month he celebrates being off of probation.
I can’t even begin to believe how much he has been through, how much he has seen. I didn’t have the privilege of knowing him until we officially met on our way to his family’s Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, we didn’t meet until going to his family’s event because, it just so happens that his sisters are my best friends and also a great source of inspiration to me.
Lately, I’ve caught myself feeling down and bad about my life. While it’s so much greater now that he’s in it, I still feel like there’s something missing. Maybe it’s an education or a career, those have been bothering me lately. I’ve been feeling stuck and trapped because of my mental health, and now that I think about it, I imagine he’s probably felt that way too.
It’s sometimes hard to look at the future with hope and with courage. It can be so taunting. And when you can’t even see what your weekend will look like, it’s hard to see what it looks like at the end of the tunnel of depression. I don’t know when this will end, I’ve been struggling for years, and coming up to a year of not having done much other than focus on my healing. It’s been over a year since I’ve held a job, and that makes it that much harder.
He didn’t know when exactly his probation would end, he had no clue until about a month ago that there was a good chance he’d actually get off early. Just like I don’t know when my depression will end, but there’s hope. I know one day it will end and I will live a life I’m proud of.
The thing that gets me in patience. There’s a chance that I could start school again in the fall. A small chance, but I’m still clinging to it. Holding out hope that maybe, just maybe I can turn my life around. I’ve made a lot of mistakes that have ended me up in my own form of probation. Which, I’ve actually been on before so I know what I’m talking about. It’s like, you’ve got to prove to someone you’re worthy of having a full life again. I say this because I basically have to prove to my grandmother, who will pay for my education, that I’m worthy of taking a risk again.
My odds are slim, I’ve dropped out and failed so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve even been to jail and I’ve made some mistakes that have not done who I am any justice. I’ve been lost searching for peace in all the wrong places. I haven’t had it rough by any means, at least I don’t believe I have. I’ve been homeless, but always had a roof over my head. I’ve been a drunk, but always had company to take care of me. I’ve been kicked out, but always had a place to go. I’ve lived in a hotel, but had friends to see me through. I’ve never gone hungry, I’ve never truly been alone, and I’ve never had all my freedom taken from me. Above all, my God has always watched out over me. My life has been rocky, but I’m blessed to say I’ve survived.
Looking at Steven’s life, I know change is now possible. I can work hard, dedicate myself to it, and know that one day things will be different. I won’t always be sitting out on my patio drinking coffee all day feeling stressed because my brain won’t work. I have goals, things I want to work towards. Things I want to accomplish.
So, thank you Steven, thank you for having a story that opened my eyes to the wonderful possibilities that life has to offer. You are such an amazing man, you have grown for the better, and even though sometimes you get on my last nerve (and embarrass the hell out of me) I will love you for always. You constantly help me save myself. You don’t even try, it just comes naturally. You’re the hand I’ve wanted to hold while I figure things out for myself. You encourage me, remind me things are okay, and you love me even though I keep you up at night because I’m moody and emotional.
I love you.