What I mean by that damn wall, is that lovely mental block a lot of us with mental health issues tend to get. You know the one, where you feel like you can conquer the world one moment and then the next you hit face first into a brick wall and suddenly your nose is bleeding and you’re sitting on the ground crying?
Okay, hopefully your nose isn’t bleeding, if it is please get help for that. But the crying on the floor, yeah, that’s a reality most of us face. Sometimes on a daily basis. And it sucks!
I finally felt ready to kick my ass into gear. I started reading a book on blogging, to help bring you all the greatest of content. And as soon as I started working on the first step of my journey, simply following other blogs, I got stuck. Just right there, I ran into that damn wall! Anyone know how to break this thing apart? Is there a way around it? How ’bout a shovel, anyone got a shovel I could borrow?
Anyway, so, I’m here. Physically sitting in my lovely patio chair drinking coffee and chain smoking, as always. But in my mind, I’m standing in a desert with this giant wall in my face and green grass with roses and trees on the other side. Some clouds, too cause it’s hot right now. Black pants and sitting in the sun… my legs are on fire!
Everyone’s favorite advice is to “just push though, force yourself to do it.” What they don’t realize is the strength of this wall that I’m up against! I’m not making excuses, but damn is it a strong wall. I want a house made out of this shit. With a wall made out of this around it to keep the stupid out. Sorry, I’m in a mood today. They’re renovating the apartment above me and I swear if I have to listen to this guy’s music any longer I’m going to go up there and tell him to turn it down like the grumpy old man my soul truly is.
What do you do when you’re in this position? There’s no pushing through, there’s no forcing it, what do you do? In the past, I’d wait only to find out the wall isn’t that long and I could have walked around it the whole time without exhausting any energy. Sometimes, the wall has been bigger.
I wish I had all the answers. But, I don’t. If I did I’d just tell you to push through and force yourself to do it anyway. We all know that shit doesn’t work and those people don’t actually have all the answers. Sure, maybe it worked for them but we’re all different. Also, chances are those people have never struggled with a mental illness in the first place. That’s why they can just do things they don’t want to.
My cousin sent me a little something he wrote, wanted my opinion on it. He as well has struggled with some of the same issues as I have. He wrote about motivation, how it can be flaky and fickle and isn’t reliable in the slightest. He mentioned that discipline is what’s to be relied on. And while I fully agree, I know just how hard it is to learn how to do that. Let me explain.
See, discipline was not something taught very well to me.
I didn’t like ballet anymore? Okay, you can quit.
Playing guitar hurts your fingers? Alright, you’ll find something else.
Public school is causing you anxiety? Cool, we’ll take you out of it.
Don’t want to do your homeschool work? That’s fine, I don’t want to do it either.
I could go on, but you get my point. I grew up watching Gilmore Girls, QVC, and Days of Our Lives. These are the things that taught me how to live. What did I see in real life? Sitting on the sofa watching tv or playing video games is a totally acceptable way of life.
So, now that I’m in my twenties, I’m kinda failing at this whole “adulting” thing. My life at the moment started out because I needed time to get my mental health in order. It was much needed, definitely. But, when does it end? When do I start life back up? Truth is, I keep finding excuses. Whether it’s my medicine making me unstable, the fact my boyfriend relies on me to get to and from work, or that I haven’t had a job in over a year therefore making it kinda impossible to be hired somewhere.
I’m the queen of making excuses. Why can’t I go to the gym? Well, because I have bad knees. Why can’t I call and get information on DBT therapy? Well, because I can’t process information well right now. Why can’t I Better my blog? Because there’s this damn wall in front of me!
I get it now, the wall is an excuse we build. Sure, we don’t always build it on purpose, but sometimes we do. Sometimes we don’t even know we’re building it. And once we’ve realized it’s built, we need to be proud of our smallest of accomplishments towards tearing it down. Me reading that book and then not following through on following blogs isn’t me adding to the wall, not at all. Instead, reading that book was me tearing it down a little bit. It took some energy, now I need to rest before I go and follow blogs. It may take a while, doing things this slowly, but it’s getting done!
I love the days when I write a post like this and end up realizing some deep shit. So, basically what I’m trying to say is take your time. Don’t force it all to happen right now. Instead, do what you can, take a break, do something happy, then get back to kicking ass and breaking down that damn wall! Make Donald Trump hate you for tearing down a wall!