This past week I learned a hard lesson, depression can not always be controlled. Even though being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, I thought I was one of those people who could choose whether or not to be depressed. I thought that depression would come whenever it wanted, but I had the choice as to whether or not it would stay. Turns out, I don’t have that power. Not on my own, anyway.
For the last month my depression has gone untreated. My medication that is supposed to help my moods has obviously not helped my moods. I’ve basically been going on my own for a month now, and I can’t fight this battle alone.
After being turned away from the hospital for not being suicidal, I gave in. I started taking my stimulants again to help ease the pain of my depression. Stimulants are normally used for ADD, however they have antidepressant benefits. And god, have they helped.
I can look at myself in the mirror again. I can see a glimmer of light again. I no longer want to injure myself and I no longer want to hide away while the pain runs its course. But I know it’s temporary, the stimulants will wear off and I will be back to being depressed. But, it’s saving myself. It’s keeping me sane until I can go see my psychiatrist.
When depression hits as hard as it hit me, life gets unbearable. You can’t see any hope, you feel as though it’ll last forever. It won’t, but it feels like it will.
Together, we will beat depression.