Since June 2016 I have been partially homebound. By that, I’m still able to sometimes go out on my own and I can travel and do things, but for the most part I’m at home. Usually alone, at least during the week while my boyfriend is at work.
It started with falling into a depression and being stuck in bed for a month. Obviously, I was in no condition to hold a job.
And then began the medication struggle. Trying new medications had me unstable. One week I would be fine, the next suicidal, the next I couldn’t stop moving. It was torture, I couldn’t do hardly anything. There was no telling how these medicines would affect me from one day to the next, it was scary.
Now, I’m stuck with an unstable mind. One day, like today, I’ll be fine without any medication and I’ll be able to function. Then, the next day I will rely on medicine to keep me going. Some days I will hate myself with a deep, burning passion. Other days, I’ll love life. It’s frustrating not knowing how I’ll feel one day, my moods even change throughout the day. It’s almost like I’m constantly pms-ing! It sucks.
But being stuck at home isn’t all fun and games. People look at my life and think that I’ve got it easy, I don’t work, I don’t go to school. What’s there to complain about?
Well, for starters, feeling guilty that I don’t do these normal things. These things should come easy, but I never know just how I’ll feel. I can’t just call out of life one day because I’m depressed and the next day act perfectly fine.
It’s so damn boring being stuck at home. Like, eventually, you run out of things to do. And especially when you’re fighting depression because nothing seems worth it. I literally sit outside all day smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. I stare at the walls on my patio just wishing I was living life.
I feel trapped, like I’m locked in my own prison my mind created. I stare at concrete walls all day, the mess on my patio haunts me. I long to just be able to do things, to live a life I’m proud of, but I can’t even go to the grocery store alone anymore.
I don’t know how much longer life will be like this, I hope that it’ll change when I can go to school. I’ll be working towards something, towards a life I can be proud of.
And you know what, I am kinda proud of my life right now. I’m taking care of me, I’m trying my best. And that’s all we can do.