The Truth About My Depression And Past Abuse

Please be kind, as this is a story I’m afraid to share. It’s taken a lot for me to get to this point. I want to mention that I am in no way blaming anyone for my depression, it’s simply the result of how I’ve reacted to others’ actions. 

This may cause some upset, if so, speak directly to me. I will respect you more if you talk to me directly rather than go to someone else first. 

Thank you. 

The Cause

After texting with a friend yesterday, it finally hit me. I know why I’m struggling so badly with depression. It’s a subject easy for me to talk about, because then I can act like it doesn’t bother me much. But, writing about it, I can’t hide the pain it’s caused. I feel weak, vulnerable. But, it’s something I need to write about so, here’s my best shot. 
Sitting on my patio, coffee by my side, cigarette in hand, here goes nothing. Or, everything.
For over a decade I have been emotionally abused. For the first time in my life, I’m not being abused by an outside force, only the thoughts that still linger in my mind. It’s odd not having someone else put me down daily, and I find myself craving that again. As odd as it may sound. 
When you break free from abuse, you think you’ll feel lighter, more in control, happier. That’s not always reality. The abuse sticks with you. The words said linger in your mind and continue to drive you crazy. Even if you have an amazing boyfriend that tells you daily how great you are, how pretty you are, and how much he loves you, you still can’t shake this feeling that you’re not good enough. 
For years, these are the phrases I heard from my mother, and then my (now) ex-boyfriend: 
“No wonder you don’t have any friends.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Who would want to marry you?”
“You belong in a mental hospital.”
“You’re acting like a 2 year old.”
“You’re a spoiled little bitch.”
“You deserved to be raped.”
“Why don’t you go back to Arizona and take another plan b pill?” (Referring to my rape.)
“You’re a slut.”
“You’re a drug addict.” (Never have been.)
“You’re selfish and don’t care about a damn thing. You’re lazy.”
Surprisingly, the abuse from both people started because of the same issue. I have (or had) debilitating severe anxiety and panic attacks for over a decade. 
More times than not, the abuse would always begin at the first sign of a panic attack. When my mind is at the level of a little child, when I’m scared of even myself, when I’m rocking back and forth, when I’m hyperventilating, when tears are uncontrollable, when I’m no longer in control of myself. Nothing makes me feel more weak, scared, and vulnerable than when I have a panic attack. And that’s when they chose to strike. 
Sometimes, their abuse brought on a panic attack and it just worsened. There were days I’d find myself sitting on my bedroom floor, back against the door, trying to keep my mother out of my room. There were days I’d drop to the ground in tears, broken by what they had said. There were days laying in the fetal position grasping for air while they yelled at me. I couldn’t escape.
As I got older, the abuse from my mother got worse. Eventually, she’d start getting more physical. I was afraid for my life, at age 21. I couldn’t fight back, she’s my mother. She Has Fibromyalgia and I just couldn’t ever bring myself to call out for help in fear that she’d be locked away, unable to get her medication to stop her pain. I suffered in hopes she wouldn’t have to. 
One day, I found myself bent over the back of the sofa with her hand in my hair. This being just after she threw her metal cane across the room at me. I found my way up, and hid behind my father. Someone who was always in the middle, unable to help me. Unable to help her. 
The worst part of having an emotionally abusive relationship is, no one believes you. They act so kind, so nice to others that it seems like you’re the liar. In high school, my friends thought I was the problem, that my mother only cared. After breaking up with my boyfriend, his parents thought I had beat him, that he was the victim. 
The words they spoke still linger in my mind to this day. The feelings of worthlessness, sadness, pain, and shame are all still alive within me. I don’t know if they’ll ever go away but, God, I hope they do. I hope I overcome this to be happy again. Maybe I need to forgive them still, but I just don’t know how to. 
If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, seek help now. Professional help. Please, do it for your future. 


I’m Okay

I’m grateful to say that right now, I’m okay. 

The past few weeks have been difficult, as you may tell by the lack of writing I’ve been doing. But, I’m trying. 

I’m taking my medications, I’m doing at least one thing a day, and thanks to a great friend I’ve got my creativity flowing again. 

Depression still sneeks up on me from time to time. Like it did yesterday. But I’m recovering from that and I’ll be okay. 

I have a lot of ideas as far as what to do today, wish me luck on getting them done. 

Hopefully I’ll be back to writing soon. Love and miss all of my readers! Hope you are all doing well!



I Can’t Stop It

If you look at what I’ve accomplished today, you’d think I’d had a pretty good day. I repainted an old secretary desk so I can turn it into a vanity. That’s a lot for me to do in a day while I’m battling depression. 

But, I’m not okay today. It’s like a switch turned on and suddenly I started hating myself. Okay, not suddenly. I could see all the signs, I just ignored them until it hit me like a brick wall. 

Now, here I am. Sitting on my patio trying to keep the strength to make it through the rest of the day. Wondering how I’ll find the energy to go pick up my boyfriend from work. 

I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better, honestly. I’m kind of at a loss. Hopefully I’ll find my way. 



One Goal

I’m going to be real for a moment here. I’m struggling, struggling badly. 

I was in a Depressive Episode not too long ago. Normally, I wake up one day and kick myself in the ass and suddenly it’s gone just as quickly as it came and I’m up and doing things. But, not this time. No, this time my antidepressants are actually working and the depression is gradually lifting. Which, of course, yay! 

I’m not used to this, though. I expect to be on top of the world now that I’m not depressed. That’s not the case this time. This time, it’s like I’m having to reteach myself how to live. 

My body and my mind are not on the same page right now. My mind wants to do things. Write, clean, shop, plan, etc. My body? Well, it wants to sit outside and drink coffee or go crawl into bed. Which I’ve done both of today. 

But, I’m keeping myself going as best I can. How? By setting one goal. One goal for the day, that’s it. That’s all I can do right now because my body still thinks I’m depressed. It’s still in that lazy mode. And that’s okay, but don’t let it drag your mind back into the depression. 

I started on Tuesday with one goal: Make the bed. I did it, and I was exhausted after doing such a simple task. 

On Wednesday my goal was: do the dishes. I did them, and I felt so proud of myself. 

Today, Thursday, my goal was: clean the bathroom. I just finished it. And I’m so happy I did it. I actually feel like I might be able to do more! 

Since it’s only 10am and I feel like I can handle more, I’m going to make my next goal to put the dishes away. Keep it one goal at a time. Accomplish one thing. If you can handle another goal, go for it. If you can’t, that’s perfectly okay. Just breathe. You’ll get it tomorrow. 



Ending Lazy Days After Depression

We all know depression makes it hard to do things. Everything seems like a giant mountain to climb and you just can’t conquer it. So you take days to yourself where you don’t do anything but binge watch Netflix and eat popcorn. And while that’s okay when you’re depressed, what about when the depression lifts?

The end of my previous depressive episode has been gradual. Each day I feel a little better. This is something new to me. Usually, one day I feel depressed and the next I suddenly have the energy to do everything I want. So, now that it’s a slower process, I’ve found myself stuck in this place of not being depressed but being too lazy to do anything. I say lazy because I know I can easily do the things I want to, I’m just so used to not doing anything that I can’t seem to kick myself in the ass and do them. Hence why I haven’t been writing lately. 

It can be extremely challenging to start doing things after depression. Your body and mind have gotten so used to not doing anything that you still don’t want to do anything. The past few days I’ve been using depression as an excuse, when really, I’ve just not wanted to do anything. I’m not depressed at the moment, but not doing anything has kept me down. Where I’m comfortable. That ends today.

Ways to beat after depression laziness. 

1. Coffee

For me, I need coffee to function. Coffee, coffee, coffee! But whatever helps you wake up and get motivated. 

2. Give yourself time

Whether you need time to wake up in the morning, or time to convince yourself to start doing things, give yourself time. For me, it was both. But now that I’m doing something, it seems a bit better. 

3. Say “no”

Those damn Depressive thoughts may still be lingering around. I know mine are. Especially when it comes to writing or cleaning. Just say no to them. Ignore them. Kick their ass. Whatever you got to do, don’t let them win!

4. Keep it simple

Start with something small and simple that you enjoy doing. For me, it’s writing so, I’m writing this. But, start with painting or drawing or whatever you like to do. Just get your mind and body working together on something. 

5. Stay small

You are still recovering from depression. Keep things small on your to do list, don’t expect to do anything huge today. I have one goal, do the dishes. 

What are your ways to beat the lazy days after depression?



Get Motivated With Depression

I’ll be honest, I’m completely fueled by the strong coffee my boyfriend made this morning. Like, I’m so jittery right now it’s not even funny. Yay coffee! 

Anyway, it’s hard to get motivated when depression is telling you that nothing is worth it. Nothing has no point to it. I get it, I’m there right now. And if it weren’t for the caffeine making me absolutely need to be doing something, I’m not sure I’d even write this post. But here I am, giving it a shot and trying to beat the hell out of that depressive voice yelling at me that I can’t do this shit. Ya know what depression? Fuck You.

Ideas To Help You Find Motivation During Depression

1. Get Ready For The Day

I don’t care if you’re doing nothing but sitting on your patio drinking coffee and chain smoking all day, get ready. Oh, wait, that’s just me? Still, you get the point. Even if you’re staying at home all day, get ready. Even if you just put on fancy yoga pants. 

  • Shower
  • Do your hair/makeup
  • Get dressed

2. Drink Coffee

Or tea. Whatever helps you get ready for the day. Obviously, I’ve had a whole damn pot of coffee and nothing can stop me! Seriously, so much coffee. I need to be stopped. 

3. Set Small Goals For The Day

Just three simple, small goals to tackle for the day. Like, empty out half the dishwasher. Or, walk the dog. Just something simple and easy. Hell, once you get started on that half of the dishes you may even finish the rest. That’s what happened for me yesterday. 

4. Learn How To Be Compassionate To Yourself

Instead of being down on yourself because you can’t do as much as you could when you weren’t depressed, try being compassionate to yourself. Tell yourself things are okay. Remind yourself that you’re sick, obviously you can’t do as much as you could when you’re feeling well. It’s okay to have a day when you’re not feeling up to cleaning the whole fucking apartment. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. 

5. Think Of How You’ll Feel Afterwards

Whether it be going to the grocery store, going to work, or cleaning something, think of how you’ll feel after. You’ll probably feel proud of yourself for accomplishing something. Thinking of the pain of doing it can keep you sitting still hiding away. Think of how good it’ll feel to have a fridge full of healthy foods, earning a paycheck, or finally emptying that sink of dishes that have been “soaking” for a week. 

6. Make It Your Goal To Get It Done

Chances are, when you’re depressed you won’t actually enjoy the things you usually enjoy. But, some of these things still need to be done. Draw that picture, write that blog post. Even if you don’t enjoy it. Remember, think of how you’ll feel afterwards. 

7. Reward Yourself

After accomplishing something, reward yourself. You stepped out of your depression comfort zone, that’s a huge step! Go eat some ice cream! 


Quit These Things For A Simpler Life

Life gets crazy. Whether it’s our busy schedules or busy minds, we could all use some time to simplify our lives. Previously, I gave you all a couple lists of things to do to simplify your lives. Now, here’s a list of things to quit to make your life a little more simple. 

1. Trying to be perfect

Whether you’re trying to look perfect, be perfect, seem perfect, or do perfectly, just stop. Art is beautiful and each piece has its flaws. No one on this planet is absolutely perfect. Even Kendall Jenner makes mistakes and stars in terrible soda commercials. 

2. Comparing yourself

I have a hard time with this one. Lately it seems like all I do is compare what I look like, what I have, who I am, to what I see on Pinterest. It’s terrible. And, has only made my life more complicated. To make things more simple, just accept who you truly are and be happy with what you have. 

3. Dwelling on the past

This is another huge one for me. I tend to dwell on my past. A lot of bad things happened back then. But, the only way to enjoy a simple life is to accept what happened and enjoy the moments you’re in. 

4. Complaining

Just don’t. Be grateful for what you have. Be grateful for this life. I complain to myself all day, but if I put it aside like I’m doing right now, I’m able to do what I truly want to. 

5. Waiting

This one I’m working on right now. I stopped waiting to feel like writing and just started writing. I don’t know if I’ll make it to the end of this post and publish it, but I’m trying to make shit happen. Don’t wait around for motivation to strike, just start doing it and motivation may come. 

6. Lying 

Pretty much, don’t be an asshole. Don’t lie to others, even if it’s a simple, “how are you” question. Speak the truth, always. 

7. Pleasing everyone

You will never be able to make everyone happy. I learned this while living in Tennessee. Everyone expected so much from me and I was under so much pressure to be perfect for everyone. Just try and make yourself happy and those who truly care won’t mind. 

8. Thinking you’re not ready

I have this habit of thinking I’m not ready to write. It’s not clean enough, I don’t have a desk, I’m a mess how can I help others, the list goes on. Put aside your doubts and just start trying. Start working on what you think you’re not ready for. You may surprise yourself. 

9. Buying things you don’t need

I had a huge problem with this. I kept buying and buying thinking I needed it all. I don’t. And it turns out, most of it is heading to Goodwill. Buy only the things you need. 

10. Blaming others

I could sit here all day and list the reasons why others are to blame for my problems. But truth is, it’s my response to the actions of others that caused my problems. We’re in control of ourselves, if something is wrong we need to look at us not them. 

11. Overthinking 

I’m fighting this one off right now. I’m overthinking that this piece isn’t good enough, funny enough, or sarcastic enough. I haven’t been able to write in two weeks because I keep overthinking everything. Hopefully this will get me back into writing again. 



If I Let Fear Win

If I let fear win, I wouldn’t live at all. I’d still be sitting on my patio doing nothing. I wouldn’t have had the conversations I’ve had with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t have gotten to take him to the beach, there would have been no laughter about a street performer dressed as a clown. It would be dull to let my fears win, but it would have been safer. 

Right now, I’m wishing I let my fears win. I’m on a plane, so far it’s been a pretty smooth flight. However, I’m freaking out inside. I can’t get the thoughts to stop. Worrying about other people’s actions, mostly. At least until it’s time to land. 

I have no advice for you this time, just honest thoughts from the air. I’ll be getting back to writing for you soon.