Okay, so I’ve done a bit more than just breathe. I wrote a post, I watched some Netflix, and I drank some coffee. I also took my boyfriend to work this morning.
But, none of this is “normal.” Why? Because I’m in the process of moving, I should be doing things! I need to be unpacking and moving things and cleaning. I shouldn’t be just sitting around not doing shit. I can’t even bring myself to take my morning shower, thank god I convinced myself to at least brush my teeth.
So, why am I being “lazy?” Well, I call it a depression hangover. It’s when your mental depression symptoms have gone but you’re still struggling with the physical symptoms. Like, having trouble simply getting up and taking a shower. It’s kind of like your body has the flu. It’s no fun.
My last post was about how to get through this feeling. And honestly, I’m still struggling. I know all the things I “should” be doing but, I just don’t want to do them. Simply put, I don’t want to help myself bad enough. Yes, on some level I truly want to help myself but I’m having trouble wanting it bad enough.
You may be thinking, “why in the hell would someone not want to help themselves?” To be honest, I don’t know. Maybe it’s lack of self-love. Maybe it’s finding comfort in the depression. You know what, I think that’s it. I don’t remember the last time I was functional on my own without medication. I don’t. Ever since I was a kid, I find comfort in laying down and watching tv. I find comfort in not doing anything. This benign productive and getting stuff done thing, that’s never been my life before and I’m scared.
I’m scared because what if I leave depression behind? What will be my excuse on bad days? What if I do good for a while and it all comes crashing back down? And the biggest one, what if I start acting normal and functional and set a newer, higher expectation for myself and others and I can’t always live up to it? What if I let people down?
To be honest, I could push myself to take a shower and do some things. But I’m afraid. And I don’t know how to get pst this fear.