This hit me. I almost ignored her and took a nap. But I couldn’t get those words out of my head, “be a part of your own life.”
How can I not be a part of my own life? Like, it’s my life, obviously I’m a part of it!
But, truth is, I was watching it pass me by. I still kind of am because this change doesn’t happen in a second.
See, yesterday I started to notice it. I didn’t feel alive. I felt like I was inside a movie, and the world was spinning around me nonstop and I just couldn’t focus. I got hot, anxious, and overwhelmed. My poor boyfriend, I got kinda moody, too. I kept complaining, “I wish I could just enjoy my life, be a part of this moment. But I feel so terrible.”
Complain, complain, complain. That’s what I did all damn day long. Even when we went shopping for clothes, I complained. It’s gotten to the point where the one thing that has kept me barely hanging on, I’m willing to throw away.
The last few days, I’ve been laying in bed. One day, I did nothing but lay in bed. I feel so guilty about this, my boyfriend works hard all day and then here I am sleeping my day away. Not living. It makes me feel worthless, undeserving, I begin to hate myself. And getting back out of this rut? Well, that’s the hard part.
I woke up at 4am. It took me until 10am to take a fucking shower. I want to start cleaning and unpacking, but my body has gotten into this state of rest where anytime I try and do something, it tells my brain that we can’t do that. So, I’m fighting this battle within my mind just to do the damn dishes. It’s ridiculous.
But, the point is, I haven’t been living my life. I’ve been living it for others, barely hanging on. I’ve been watching time pass me by, wasting days I could have enjoyed. It’s time I step up and do something about it. It’s time I live my life.
How do I do that? I got no fucking clue. But, I’ll figure it out.