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Undeserving 

Lately, I’ve struggled with getting out of bed. I used to think it’s because I was just lazy, but now I’m starting to think that this depression thing hasn’t actually fully gone away yet. 

My depression has convinced me that I am undeserving of life. I don’t deserve to get out of bed and do the things I love or need to do. I don’t deserve to be happy or feel pretty or anything for that matter. I don’t deserve feelings. 

It’s been miserable trying to get someone, anyone to understand just why I can’t get out of bed. I don’t want to be there, I hate myself for it. But I don’t know what to do or how to find the strength to say to my depression, “fuck off.”

I long with my whole heart to be able to live a life. To be able to clean or hang out with friends or do fucking anything. 

Today, I slept until 11am. I ate a giant piece of chocolate cake while I watched Netflix. I don’t know how to get out of this situation. I’ve been here before and I had to make a drastic change in my life to feel deserving again. I don’t know what drastic change i could possibly make right now. Hell, I moved and I still feel this way. 

I just want the pain to go away. 

-Liz

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