Okay, this post is about to get real. This is for those wishing to understand anxiety and those who have anxiety and no longer want to feel “crazy.”
A little backstory, my boyfriend that I live with is out of town for about a week. That alone gives me anxiety. But to make the situation worse, he’s working up in an area with little to no cell reception. Fucking lovely. This means on any normal day, I’d get a text from him in the morning and a 5 minute phone call at night.
Let’s get started.
Last night, I had my first major (for me, normal) panic attack in almost a year or so. What set this off? It was 8:30pm and no phone call from Steven. Any normal person would just get mad that he didn’t call and give him hell about it when he did. Nope, not me. Thanks anxiety.
My mind instantly went to, “what did I do wrong?” Literally, it’s physically impossible for me to have done anything wrong because, well, we haven’t spoken hardly. But I didn’t think that way.
Instantly it was like, “why doesn’t he love me?” Another ridiculous statement. If I were to be asked who I think loves me without a doubt, it would be him.
Then, my mind began to wander. “What if he’s not where he says he is?” This is the most ridiculous of them all. He is the single most trustworthy person I have ever met. He’s working, he’s where he says he is.
Lastly, a little more logical thought process, “what if he’s hurt?” Maybe he got in a car accident, maybe he fell off a damn roof. He is a roofer, afterall. This one still worries me as I still haven’t heard from him.
In all probability, they worked hard yesterday and he passed the fuck out and got some sleep. But my anxiety wouldn’t let me think that way.
I had a full panic attack, rocking back and forth, hyperventilating, and crying my eyes out. All my fur babies laid close to me last night. I’m sure things are fine, I’ll hear from him later on.
He will be home soon and instead of giving him hell, I’ll hug him. Then, I’ll slap his shoulder for not calling me, and I’ll hug him again. Life will be back to normal.