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I Didn’t Choose This

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Sitting here, at my favorite coffee shop, I can’t help but wonder, what is wrong with me?

I’m not currently working as many of you know and that, that drives me crazy.  What you see and what I see can be similar, but also very different.

Today, I’m wondering why I can’t work.  Am I choosing to be “lazy”?  Am I choosing this life of not doing anything?  Am I actively trying to not work?

See, the thing is, I want to work.  I want to work so badly.  Whether it’s my own company I start up, or just a simple cashier job at a small store, I want to work.  I miss the feeling of earning my own money.  I miss the feeling of working towards a goal.  But the truth is, I can’t work.  As much as I want to.

I’m sure one day I’ll be able to work on something other than my own mental health again, but right now it’s not all that possible.

Yesterday, I had a great idea.  Something I could create and help others with.  But, my depression stopped me.  It just straight up put the brakes on my mind and kept me from accomplishing anything to do with my dreams.  And it still kills me inside.  It’s killing me right now.

I look at myself and only feel sadness.  If only I could figure out a way to get past this.  If only I could figure out how to create things without the painful thoughts killing my dreams.

I found myself yesterday wanting to die, not finding a single thing I could cling onto other than the fact that I know that this will pass.  It will pass and I will be content not doing anything again for a while and then I’ll have another damn idea and get heartbroken again because I can’t help it come to life.

I find myself saying things like, it’s not worth it.  Things like, creating things wasn’t meant for me.  Yesterday, and still somewhat today, I feel like those things weren’t meant for me.  Other people, yes, but not for me.

My best friend is on the verge of having her first book published.  She’s a mother of two girls, a wife, an employee at a demanding job, and she’s somehow managed to find the time and strength to write a book worthy of publishing.  I sit on my ass all day, I lay in bed all day, I have all the time in the world to create something magical and yet, I can’t. While I’m extremely proud of her, it hurts me because I feel like I’m just wasting my life away.

I create goals and plans for others to be inspired by, but I never follow through on them for myself.  I’ve spent the last year trying to improve myself and I feel like I’ve made little progress as I am still incapable of working on something, anything.

I just want to be better, I want to help others and I want to inspire.  I want to live a life I’m proud of.  But, how the fuck do I get past these thoughts keeping me tied down to the nothingness that is my life at the moment?

-Liz

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2 thoughts on “I Didn’t Choose This”

  1. Working on yourself is a big and often very challenging job. And when you’re facing a depression the smallest tasks are big accomplishments, writing this post is huge, and you are creating something magical. You are creating a space of honesty, a place where others can gather and be reminded it is ok to be human, to have struggles. This post alone shows your commitment to yourself and your healing even if you’re unsure or in doubt, you’re showing up for yourself. You are worthy of whatever it is you want to create. You were born with great purpose, different from your incredible friend, but still with great purpose. Something that has helped me is changing my self talk little by little. Replacing the repetitive doubt with positive truthful reinforcement. Most times those looming thoughts of self doubt are so untrue and hold no weight. I spent a year or two of my early twenties not able to work and often I have thought back like “wow I could have been doing so much with that time” but in reality, I was. I was healing myself, learning ways to cope with my crutches and the overstimulation of this world. I built a foundation that is strong enough I could continue building on it without collapse. Keep building girl!!! You are doing much more than you give yourself credit for!!

    Like

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