Seeing Reality

I thought it was all over for me. 

At age 17, I met the love of my life. At age 18, I was in a relationship with him. By age 19, we had broken up twice and tried to move on. At age 20, I was moving across the country to live with him. At age 21, I was driving back home because I had left him. At age 22, I finally changed my number and lost all toxic contact with him. 

There he went, it was over. You’re lucky if a passionate love comes once, right? How dare I expect it to come again. I blew it, I lost it. I had love, but I left it. 

Today, as I write this, I realize, maybe it wasn’t love. First, let me say that yes, I did actually love him. I care about him very deeply and probably always will. But maybe I had confused toxic love with the “real thing.”

The only time he ever made me feel safe was when he was calming me down out of an anxiety attack that he had started. He didn’t make me feel loved or wanted, I was never undoubtably his only girl. Every day I wondered who he was hiding in that phone he never let me see. Then, I found out. I stayed with him for months after that.

I did however feel comfort, but it wasn’t good comfort. It was normal. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. I found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship. Why did I stay so long? Because it was comfortable, it was normal, it was all I had known.

I would like to say that while in fact both of those relationships were emotionally abusive, that does not mean they did it on purpose. That is something I will never know. 

Now, as I sit here with my fur baby in my lap, I begin to realize that I’m getting my second chance. Well, maybe that’s not the right way to put it. I’m getting another chance? No, I’m being shown reality. Yes, I’m being shown reality. 

I’m surrounded by a mess. My shirt has a stain on it, I haven’t brushed my hair, and my patio is basically one giant ash tray. But there’s a man out there who’s thinking of me in the way I wish I could see myself. He smiles when he’s with me, he doesn’t look at the mess with disgust, he looks at me with pleasure. 

It’s too soon to tell where this is going, it’s too soon to tell if this is going to be something more. But God, do I hope it turns out for the best. 

I’m being shown reality, and it’s not at all dark or mean. Yes, it’s a little scary. Yes, I’m terrified because I’m uncomfortable. But at the same time, I’m completely comfortable. I genuinely smile again, I laugh without worrying what my crooked teeth look like. I look into his eyes and I feel peace. This is reality, it’s not all hatred and pain. 

In the short time we’ve spent together, he’s shown me that there is still good out there. 

For those of you who have suffered as I have, who have been made to feel worthless by the people we love, have hope. You are not your abuse. You are not the nasty things people have said and done to you. In reality, you’re beautiful and deserving of happiness. We all truly are. 

Hang in there, keep fighting to find that confidence and joy within yourself. Know that it doesn’t have to come from another person. But also know, it’s okay to allow someone to make you happy. It’s okay to allow someone close again. It’s okay to trust someone new. Not everyone has an evil plan to use and abuse you. Not everyone is full of hatred. Sometimes, you just got to wait for the person that shows you reality. And I’m thankful to have a couple people that do. 

My Grandma, she checks in on my daily. 

My best friend, she is my soul mate. 

My best friend since kindergarten, she is my sister. 

The guy that makes me smile, well, he makes me smile. 



It’s Okay to be Lonely Sometimes

It’s okay to be lonely! 

When you’re single, especially single and dealing with difficult life issues, you get to hear all the best chich├ęs. 

“You need to learn to be happy alone.”

“You need to spend some time on yourself.”

“You won’t meet your person until you are happy alone.”

“Just because you accept that you’re alone right now, doesn’t mean you will be forever.”

“You’re not alone, you have me!”

Thanks, guys. Really helpful there! Suddenly, I’m no longer lonely! Damn, I’m a little sarcastic B word today. 

All jokes aside, it’s okay to feel lonely. Totally normal. For those of us with depression, that loneliness can be consuming, even when there is someone sitting right next to you. 

We weren’t created to go through life by ourselves. We were created to want to be around people. Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that people who are around others tend to live longer and be more happy. We were meant to find love and enjoy another person’s company. 

So, to those of you feeling alone, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. My biggest challenge is fighting off feeling pathetic when I am lonely. God, this world has made me feel like I’m being so incredibly weak by needing someone else. I’m supposed to handle shit on my own, be there for myself, all while being supportive to others. What? 

I’m going to say it, I’m single and I’m lonely. Hell, I was lonely half the time I was in a relationship! That’s another story.

It does not make me desperate or pathetic to be lonely. Just because I am feeling lonely doesn’t mean that I’m not happy alone. I love being alone. I NEED my alone time. But, right now, I’ve got too damn much alone time. And texting my best friend isn’t going to fix that. 

How can I be perfectly happy alone and still be lonely? Well, I’ve spent every day for the past year working on myself. The moment I left an unhealthy relationship, I began to work on myself. Every great self discovery story begins with a road trip. And I even did that. I’ve started therapy, I’ve gotten a dog, I’ve moved to a new city, I’ve done everything on the self improvement checklist. I’m good. I’m still reading my self help books, I’m still searching for healing, and I continue to work on myself. Just because I’m ready for a relationship doesn’t mean I’m going to quit working on me. In fact, the opposite, because relationships help you to learn about yourself more. 

The fact that I feel lonely doesn’t mean that I’m pathetic. Sorry, I have to keep repeating that one for myself. I choose to see most things in a way of being able to grow and learn from them. So, how am I choosing to see being lonely? That there’s something in my life that needs improvement. That’s it. I’m unhappy with something, therefore I need to work on improving that. 

Now, this does not mean that I am willing to settle. Not at all. Trust me, I tried online dating. If I wanted to settle, I could have! But I didn’t. And I won’t. 

This doesn’t mean that you have to go out and look for someone, either. Because, honestly, it’s a waste of time. People are full of shit and there’s a lot of them out there. Looking for someone is heartbreaking. Especially looking for them online. Also, kinda funny. But that’s besides the point. 

No, what I mean by needing to improve this part of your life is to open up. Be willing. The reason I was so content alone was because I was too afraid to enter into a relationship just yet, I wasn’t ready. And when I realized that, I didn’t push it. I let life happen. Now that I’m feeling lonely, it’s because my heart is ready to trust someone. I’m finally ready to be willing to accept someone when they come into my life. Whoever it is. 

I crave morning cups of coffee with the man I trust. I want to walk with someone next to me while I walk my dog. It’s getting cold outside, I want some damn cuddles! And that’s all okay. 

I’m not looking for just anyone to fill these places. No, I’m waiting for the one that will be comfortable enough with me to enjoy sitting there in silence drinking our morning coffee. I’ve also come to the conclusion he must love coffee. 

For now, I will continue to be perfectly okay on my own. I’m not hating myself because the chair next to me is empty, but I’m hopeful that one day it won’t be. I’m okay going to a coffee shop alone and eating a whole pizza to myself. I got this single af life down. I know I can be strong and handle this. I realize that I don’t need someone in my life, but I actually want someone there. 

How amazing is it to be able to say that someone is in your life because you actually WANT them there? Not because you’re dependent on them, not because your self esteem and sense of purpose comes from them, no. You truly just enjoy that person’s company, you want them around because of who they are, not what they do for you. 

That’s why, I’m saying, it’s okay to be lonely. It’s a part of life. There’s a healthy lonely, like the one I’ve described. And, there’s an unhealthy lonely, usually caused by depression. You can tell the difference between the two, I know I can. During depression loneliness, I sought out dates on a dating app. During healthy loneliness, I deleted my dating apps and began to focus on my healing again. Keeping in mind, that when that one badass man comes along that understands my anxiety, I’ll be willing to let him into my little world. 


And I’m Doing It Again

I haven’t been very good at this whole, not dating, thing. And, honestly, I’m not very good at the dating thing, either! However, the stories are too good to not be told and I have yet to learn my full lesson. I will try my best to not make fun of anyone else other than myself. Unless, they did anything like biker guy, then they deserve it. Although, as always, I will not use real names nor purposefully intend to harm another person.

Yeah, I was called out by a previous date that I wrote about. I hadn’t said anything badly about him, yet he didn’t like that he found out I was not interested by reading my blog. Unfortunately, I can’t change the past, only learn from it. 


Oh, where to begin. 

I’ll start catching you all up by telling you the story of the “man” that made me want to quit all men. Forever. 

I had decided to meet this guy after briefly talking to him on the OkCupid dating app. We both liked coffee, so we decided Starbucks would be a great place to meet. Unfortunately, the only Starbucks he knew of was in a grocery store but, it’s okay. I went along with it. 

I parked my car to text him that I was there, then he pulled up beside me on his motorcycle. I believe it was an Indian. Anyway, his beard was so long that he had it in a ponytail and, his hair long enough to put in a perfect man bun better than my years of ballet buns could ever teach me to do. I walked up to him, said it was perfect timing. 

We sat down with our drinks and I listened to mostly him go on about his crazy stories and his travels. He was living a life I’d only dreamt of living. I was so interested. When we were done with our coffee, we literally went grocery shopping. He need coffee creamer, I needed toilet paper. It was a win, win. That is, until his weed started to smell up the whole damn grocery store! Like, seriously, who takes an eighth of weed on a date to a grocery store? Probably stoners who are taking their dates to grocery stores…

We walked out and I was ready to give him a hug goodbye and be on my way. Sure, I wished we could have hung out longer but, the date seemed over. I have him a hug, and he invited me back to his place. I thought to myself, “why not? This guy doesn’t know me he obviously isn’t going to try something.” WRONG. 

I found myself in my first Netflix and chill session. Well, the first one with someone I didn’t know nor wanted to be “chilling” with. He held me down, made me cuddle with him as we watched standup comedy. I let him have the cuddling, guy wasn’t getting more than that. Then, he started making out with me. I told him multiple times, no. But he kept on persisting. I had a difficult time standing up for myself because I did honestly like him, but it was getting way too physical for me. I smoked a cigarette, and then left. 

The next day I was in the area again, thought I’d stop by and say, “hi.” Bad idea, again. We talked, catched up, and then he started giving me a back massage. There’s no way in hell I could have said no to the first back massage in a year! But, I should have. Because he took that as a sign to, well, put his hand up my skirt and grab my ass. While I’m telling him, no. I smiled, pretended I was playing hard to get, and kissed him goodbye. I then convinced myself that what had happened was perfectly normal. Totally okay. Even my best friend, who was on all sorts of drugs after having a baby, said she didn’t blame him! Probably not the best person for advice. 

Later that night, I realized biker guy had crossed a line. He broke multiple boundaries with me. And I was just letting him! I was being ridiculous! I got mad at myself, wondered why, again, I didn’t see what was happening while it was happening. I even ended up offering him a second damn chance! How stupid do I have to be?

Anyway, biker guy is history and I’m continuing on my dating journey. Who knows where it’ll lead, if it’ll lead anywhere at all. I mean, OkCupid is like online shopping for a partner. Why not just keep browsing? Not for me, I don’t want to keep browsing but, I know my fair share of people who do. 

I have a date tonight, guys. Wish me luck!