A Day to Celebrate Love

When living with a mental illness, it can be hard to ever believe that one day, just maybe, someone might love you. 

I was at that point not too long ago. I was at my lowest, I truly believed I didn’t deserve to be loved. I was too broken, too messy, and too hard to handle. No one in their right mind would choose someone like me. Of course, I thought others like me deserved love, just not myself. 

I prayed almost every night. I prayed that God would send me a badass man and make it clear to me who he was. I knew it’d take one hell of a strong man to handle me. This wasn’t a job for some man-child that I’d have to clean up after and tie his shoes before work. Yeah, that happened.

I’d need a man willing to care for me, a man willing to hold me while I cry, a man willing to see me at my worst and still love me. God sent me just that. 

It’s been about 2 1/2 months and this man is already my everything. He’s the man I love like I never thought possible. It’s a calm love, a safe love, and a funny love. It’s a love that brings more joy than I ever knew. It’s a love that has moved quickly, yet, feels like forever. It’s the kind of love you never knew exsisted but then when you find it, you’ll never be the same. It runs deep, it’s full of respect and passion, the kind of passion that doesn’t burn out quickly. 

This man has cooked me countless dinners. He’s put up with my mood swings and let’s me lay down in bed alone  so I don’t take my anger out on him. 

I know it’s true, because I’d honestly do anything for him. I watch my tongue, I think through my words, I make sure that my illness doesn’t become a burden to him. I go to him for comfort. Driving him to work every day is not a chore, but yet something I enjoy. Laying down with my head on his lap while he plays video games makes me smile. 

He’s inspired me to be more, do more. He’s helped me to get up off the chair on the patio and do things. We’ve redone furniture, created Goodwill shopping traditions, spent quiet nights in, and enjoyed going out to dinner. 

His family is already my family. Well, they were my family before I had even met him. His sisters are my sisters, they’re my closest friends. I feel loved, protected, appreciated, secure. I’ve never felt these things before in my life.

My life has been full of anger, of hate, of unpredictability, and of pain. I’ve never known a love to make me feel safe. And I like it. 

So, to this man and his sisters, thank you. 

But more specifically, thank you for the dinners, the back rubs, walking the dogs, laying with me, loving me, protecting me, holding me, kissing me, and oh the many other things you do. I love you, thank you. 


And So It Begins

Well, Christmas is over, Thanksgiving has long passed, and there’s still a pile of Halloween makeup in everyone’s bathroom. Oh, wait, that’s just me? Oops. 

The Christmas trees are still up and the wrapping present is still covering the house. Oh, again just me? Okay, anyway!

It’s about time for reflecting on the past year and setting goals to make changes for the coming year. I mean, come on everyone 2016 was just shit. Let’s all make an effort to make 2017 a badass year. Or, at least laugh at Donald Trump memes. Seriously, so excited for those!

Currently, I’ve started my New Year’s Resolution list. I’m adding to it as time passes. I do want to share it with my lovely readers, but I want to make sure it’s mostly completed first. So, you can keep an eye out for that post! 

One thing I wanted to share with you is my newest addition to my list. I literally added it as I was writing this, but thought of it just minutes before I began to write. 

After we got back from the grocery store, I had forgotten my purse in the car. While I was walking out to get it, by myself, I realized something. I felt differently than when I walk with my boyfriend. Why was that? I don’t want to feel better about myself when I’m with him and then feel less about myself when we’re apart. That’s sure as hell not healthy. 

That’s when I realized, I was walking with my head down. Staring at my feet as they walked down the sidewalk. Careful, to not step on any cracks. You know, don’t want my mother’s back broken and all that! Then, I realized that while walking with my head down, I add anxiety to my day. Why? Because it takes away my view of what’s around me and makes me solely focused on the few steps ahead. 

So, my newest addition to my New Year’s Resolutions is to walk with more confidence. Or, you know, watch where the hell im going. I tried this while going out to my car, consciously reminding myself to hold my head high.

 It helped! I instantly felt more in control, which meant less anxious feelings. I was alone and completely in control, nothing could stop me. Walking back, I caught myself looking down again. But, told myself to keep my head held high and continued to do so. 

It’s a small goal, something easy and simple. Yet, it can make a world of a difference. Try it. If it’s difficult for you to do so, then I have an idea or like, a challenge for you. 

Walk into your closet, or open your dresser drawer. Whatever it may be, find your outfit you feel most confident in. It could be sweat pants and a tshirt, or a super nice dress. Maybe even a suit. If you don’t know what it is, try and dress up. Add all the accessories, do your makeup and hair, shave that beard. I’m talking to both guys and girls, here. Although, if you’re a woman with a beard, rock whatever makes you smile. 

Once you’ve found that outfit, I know wearing heels helps me, go outside. If you need your safe person, grab them and go do something. I challenge you to go and get some coffee. Or, if you’re not human, go and get a smoothie or one of those $7 juices. You don’t have to stay there, but get out and get something you enjoy. Maybe even ice cream. If someone asks why you’re wearing a damn tuxedo, tell them you’ve got an important event you’re headed to. Which isn’t a lie, because when you get home, you’ll feel important and that in and of itself is an important event. 

Take care, my lovelies. I hope everyone has enjoyed their holidays. Let’s start working on making 2017 a great year!


A New Kind of Thanksgiving

For me, the holidays seem to bring along some bad vibes. I try and stay as positive as I can, but sometimes I just get down. Remembering the good holidays, the times I was around loved ones, this year is very different. It’s just me and my parents for Thanksgiving. This was normal for me growing up. But now, it kinda makes me sad. 

So, I’ve been challenged to come up with new traditions. Something that’ll make me happy, and can become one of my own little holiday traditions. 

When you’re facing the challenge of creating new traditions, especially if you’re on your own, you can come up blank. I mean, it’s hard to think of something to do alone on Thanksgiving other than watch a sad Christmas movie and cry into your ice cream. So, I came up with my own little list of ideas. 

Make plans ahead of time

Don’t wait around for the day of Thanksgiving to figure out just what the hell you’re going to do. Try to come up with a plan before, get excited for it!

Decorate for the holiday

Get in the spirit, make your apartment or home feel warm and welcoming. Do little crafts or something to make the place feel a bit more like home. Or, at least get something from the dollar store that’s shaped like a pumpkin. 

Watch Movies

Curl up and watch some movies, have a movie marathon! Watch Christmas movies or just some of your favorites. 

Have a friendsgiving

Or, invite some friends over for a little after dinner get together! Have everyone bring some dessert and enjoy spending time together before you all go off Black Friday shopping! 

For me, I plan on going to my parent’s house for dinner and then coming home to have a few friends get together and just hang out. Honestly, I’m a little nervous. I really didn’t want to hit “invite” on the facebook event. But, I did. I’ve never, ever hosted a damn thing in my life. So, I don’t know what I just got myself into! 

Enjoy your Thanksgivings everyone!