Standing Up to Depression

So, this is what my apartment looked like at the beginning of my day. The only good thing in this photo is that I finally opened the blinds back up to let some light in. Half of this mess is now gone, as I did two loads of laundry this morning. Go me! Anyone who struggles with depression knows just how challenging that can be. 

I’m going to be real with you. I’m not in recovery. I don’t see the light, I don’t see the end of the tunnel. I’m currently in a Depressive Episode. But, my sister convinced me that it’s better to struggle and fight through the pain than to sit and wallow in it, waiting for it to pass. Normally, I would never encourage anyone to brave it alone and force yourself to do things while depressed, it can be a quick way to find yourself exhausted and worse off. However, I feel I have the strength in me to fight this in a new and positive way. Sure, I’m forcing myself to do things before I’m exactly ready, but had you heard the way I was talking you’d be pushing me to do things as well. 

I’m doing a few things to fight off this depression. Mostly, I’m cleaning and doing laundry. But I’m also making myself get out of the house each day. I started with a morning walk with my fur baby, began doing laundry, and even cleaned off my messy dining room table. I’m getting there step by step. 

Specifically, I’m setting three important goals throughout the day. The first being laundry, second is what room I’m going to clean, and third is where I am going that day. Tomorrow, I’m doing two loads of laundry, cleaning my bedroom, going to a bookstore, and then I have a psychiatrist appointment. All healthy, positive things for me to be doing. And that is important. 

I’ll be honest, fighting depression in this way is one of the most boring, painful, intense things you can do. It exhausts you so easily, you want so badly to give up but, at least for me, your body keeps carrying you on. My body wouldn’t let me quit today. No matter how much my mind wanted me to. I kept going from 10am until 8pm. Not a moment longer than 30 minutes was spent on my patio. Which is a miracle because I’ve been there for the past month. 

I’m still barely hanging on, I still find myself thinking, “What is the freaking point to all of this?” Honestly, I have no clue. I could tell myself over and over it’s to get better, but I still won’t believe myself. But, I plan to keep fighting hoping that one day, I’ll know why I did it. And I can rest assured that one day I’ll know why, because I’ve been depressed before, I know for a fact it goes away. 

Today was long, dull, and I did not get to just relax much. I enjoyed coffee in between doing things. Allowed myself smoke breaks instead of breaks from smoking. I still smoked my fair share, but I hope as I get busier it’ll get easier.

I did try and go to a coffee shop today, it didn’t go as planned. My computer was dead so I only had my phone. And I couldn’t write because I was too distracted by everything around me. I tried to research ways to make money online, but I couldn’t stay focused. Eventually, I decided to grab some food. It was the first time I’d eaten in a week. 

After coffee and food, I made myself run some errands. The goal was to get a carton of cigarettes (cheaper than buying a pack at a time) and to pick up some coffee creamer. However, I had the brilliant idea of dressing up for Halloween as the Cheshire Cat! So, my shopping got a little out of hand. 

I hate this damn cat, so it was the perfect scary costume for me! And I’m quite proud of myself. My creative release for today was to do my hair and makeup to become Tim Burton’s version of the Cheshire Cat. 

My sister (best friend) was Alice, all dressed up in her wedding dress that she wore a year earlier for their Halloween wedding! It was good to get out of the house and be able to spend time with family, it made me feel included which is such a big help when I’m feeling depressed. Although, depression still sucked and I still wondered if they even wanted me there at all. Sometimes I feel like such a burden.

As all Alice in Wonderland characters, we picked up a few bad habits on the way. We both struggle with depression, we don’t always deal with it in the healthiest of ways. But, hey, made for one badass wonderland photo. 

I just wanted to add one quick photo of my outfit, I’m so proud of it. I love Halloween because it allows me to be creative and express myself. My first artistic love was makeup, and making myself look like someone else. It’s just fun to do. So, thank you for including me in your Halloween, Traci. I’ve enjoyed myself today, I can’t wait for future Halloweens, it’s just another reason to keep moving forward.



Recovery Week Day 4

Just as every morning should begin, I started my day off with judgement glares from the cutest fur baby around. He was not too pleased with his mommy waking up at 7:30am. 

And, of course, as every day should begin as well, I had coffee. Outiside on my patio is where I spend most of my days now that it’s cooler. Seriously, I spend way too much time here. Help. 

As a part of my recovery, I felt it was important to do little things that make me feel better about myself. This included changing into comfortable clothes but, still clothes I wouldn’t be embarrassed in if my apartment caught fire. 

And then I did what any former medicine hater would do, I diffused some essential oils. My go to brand is Young Living, as I believe in their process of making things as pure as can be. 

My morning essential oil go to mixture is 3 drops lemon, 2 drops frankincense. Perfect for getting you energized, awake, and focused. But, the coffee helps as well!

Unfortunately, the very real part of recovery begins here. This is where it’s not all roses and bubble baths. It’s real, it’s a reminder. I’m not going to fucking sugar coat this shit, guys. It’s the worst. 

Every day, I’m reminded by how much I struggled, how deeply I fell. I have shooting pains up my arm. Luckily for me, I have a dog that is just so helpful in the healing process. And take that as sarcastically as possible. Yesterday he was so happy to see me, I mean, can’t blame him. But, he scratched my scar. Blood gushed out and left my scar looking worse than it originally was. I’m getting queezy just thinking about it!!! 

Then, it began to happen. I began to fall back into the deep pit of depression. I could feel it coming on. Negative thought by negative thought it consumed me and I was lost again. 

I wrote a piece on this before this post. Check it out if you want to see the realities of dealing with depression. It’ll haunt you. It haunts me. 

Before I continue on and my story gets better, I want to show you what depression LOOKS likes. It’s expressionless. Emotionless. All consuming hatred for yourself. You stare off into space, you can’t feel a thing. Nothing about this photo is posed, I just reached for my phone and took a selfie of how I look when I’m being overtaken by the monster. 

Eventually, my friends called me and I found the strength to get up and put on my makeup. I may have been feeling SLIGHTLY rebellious when applying that lipstick. That feeling soon passed and I just felt ridiculous. But hey, I looked damn good. 

My day ended with some Netflix watching. But before that began, I got to welcome my beautiful little niece into the world. Say hello to, NovaLee!


How To: Clean Your Make-Up Brushes

I’m one of those people, you know, the kind that has never a day in her life cleaned her make-up brushes.  Ever.  Yeah, it’s something I should be embarrassed about but, a lot of people don’t do it.  There’s those of us who just aren’t that into make-up, they don’t think to wash their brushes because it’s just not that important to them.  Then there’s some of you reading this who are in the fashion/cosmetology industry and your jaws just dropped and you gasped.  How could someone not wash their brushes?!  Well, if you’re like me, it’s because you just didn’t know how.  I have some brushes that have years of make-up on them, then I have some that are fairly new.  I decided that I would try out a DIY make-up brush cleaner, and let you all know how it worked!  And by the way, it WORKS!  Like I said, years of make-up on these things; they’re all clean now!

DIY Make-up Brush Cleanser (with products you probably have at home):


  1. Grab some dish soap, if I had the option I would have used Dawn Simple, that name may be wrong, but it’s the one without dye in it.  Also go ahead and grab some olive oil.  I also put 3 drops of Lavender oil in with the mixture, but that is optional.
  2. Put in the soap and the olive oil, mix together.
Please ignore my chipped nail polish!

3. Dip the make-up brush in the cleanser.  I actually had to go back and mix up some more, lots of brushes!  But, if you don’t have too many, you should be fine.

4. After that, swirl the brush around on your hands, get it wet with warm water at the sink, and keep swirling it around until all of the soap and make-up is off.  You’ll notice the water getting clearer.


5.  Lay your brushes on a clean towel, reshape them to their form, and prop them up so the water does not get into the brush handle. And you’re done!! Yay!


I hope you guys enjoyed this simple DIY how to.  If you’d like to see more of these, let me know in the comments!

-Elizabeth Ashley